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 Trying my luck at poems....

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*~Dreamer~*
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jan 28, 2011 3:57 am

Yeah, i get what you mean. The only problem with me watching a movie is that i can't go detailed enough to capture the nitty gritty bits of slips in there (which i can for drama serials because i watch them at home).
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Feb 17, 2011 1:23 am

It's been a very long time since I posted poems, so here;s my updates, finally! Though pardon me if it sucked, lol, I've been out of practice (~coughs~ time too)

Painting Flowers

The wound was ugly
The scar on her face
Contradicts her beauty
Concealing her grace

Who would want to marry?
An unsightly soul?
She used to be a glory
But now she’s a foul….

In the midst of rejection
There was one
Who is still painting flowers
To lit her majestic heart


Painting Flowers is a very short poem, and it was actually a soundtrack from Alice in the Wonderland performed by All Time Low, I loved this song so much and was particularly 'in love' with the line 'I am still painting flowers for you' It seemed totally simple and random but I was touched by the words STILL and PAINTING FLOWERS. To me, Painting Flowers signified a beautiful existence in the midst of something horrible. And the word 'still' indicates the persistence, and the willingness of someone to stick around even if things were different.
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Feb 17, 2011 1:28 am

This a piece that I came up in just a flash, although it might seemed as if I didn't pour my heart and soul in it (too bombastic?? haha) but I do take time to reflect on this poem.

PS. I don't have a title for this one so perhaps you could help me out?

In the shadow of the night
He took away my pride
The only one that I possessed
The only thing that was mine
He snatched that away
Leaving me bare, mocked by the blinking streetlights

Tears wouldn't come
For what I felt was numb
Yesterday was a distant memory
And tomorrow is an endless story
A tale of a fool
Who was treated like a tool

I'm walking on glass shreds
Every step was painful and raw
He took away my innocence
My emotions, my thoughts
My smile, my shine
and my ability to care

So now what am I?
A souless vessel of a walking zombie...
Just waiting for eternity to end.


Actually, I'm also trying to potray the lack of interest through the last two lines.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Feb 17, 2011 5:15 am

it sounded like a desperate plea... plea to be free. somehow it just does although I don't get what you meant by trying to portray a lack of interest in the last two lines.

It just feels bare. like hollow, empty, and in despair.

Somehow it sounded like 'The Sick Rose' -- a poem I once read. It's about sexual intercourse and all that. in your first stanza, i seemed to get that kind of impression.

the 'pride' mentioned seemed to feel like it was the pride of being a virgin or some sort along that line.
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Feb 17, 2011 8:51 am

Ha! You're the first that actually get what I am trying to convey, and yes, I'm trying to put it as if it sounded like a rape.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Feb 18, 2011 8:16 am

Okay cool. Well I just got that impression because of the way a lot of stories are told in that way. You know, about girls being raped and left in the streets to despair because their family don't want them either, because they think that that girl is tainted or something like that.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Feb 19, 2011 5:07 am

Title suggestions:
- Can't Care Less
- My Demand
- The Condemned
- The Victim
- Misbegotten in Grief
- Aftermath
- Have You'd Your Share Yet?
- Lonely Street, Grieving Vagabond
- Messed Up
- Numb
- Converging World

Okay, just some random ideas ><
I don't know if they are useful. Just hope they can spark some ideas for you.
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Mar 19, 2011 7:36 am

Sorry for the late reply! I completely forgotten my thread! XD

Oooh, I love the name choices you have there but the first one which really caught my eye is Misbegotten in Grief, thanks for the wonderful and brilliant choices!

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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Mar 19, 2011 7:36 am

Pieces

So vast, so cosmic the Earth is
And we’re only minor pieces of the chess
Controlled by the comatose player
Who lost his redeeming quality
Because of the extinction of humanity

Our fate lies within him
His every choices, every decisions,
Determine the pathway we’re about to walk through
Either it would be heaven, or it will be hell
Our blood will always stain his hands.

Disposable yet valuable
That was what he said
We’re his hunters, we’re his soldiers
We’re his ruthless messengers,
Sent as avenging angels to convey his message to his enemies.

We are only humans, and so is he…
We asked ourselves why we’re sentenced to this,
Where we have mass and he has none
But the answer is simple
Because we believe he’s our savior, out a stopper to the never ending misery…

But look where are we?
Still fighting for our beliefs, and asking ourselves
Is it worth it? The innocent blood shed….
Should we do this? Obeying an unknown threat….
Yet for our safety, we still stand.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Mar 19, 2011 7:38 am

Bury me in roses



Petals drifted through the air

Caressing my pale stony flesh

With eyes that was dead cold

Buried with a story that was left untold



A corpse without a voice

In purgatory I unyield my wrath

The fury that was burried with me

Disguised with a bed of roses it seems



Enclosed in an exquisite casket

Mourned by passing strangers

Are they sad for my departure?

Or for my unrevealed disclosure?



Bury me in roses

Intertwined me with thorns

The reaper had ascend to claim me

But the torment still goes on....









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*~Dreamer~*
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:44 am

Pieces - vivid emotions. not much descriptions, but very direct. I happened to read it from the view of who you're directing it (probably your prime minister or cabinet ministers) and it does it. GREAT JOB! (not that i like to be hurt) >< it's really well-written. not brimming with emotions, but punctuated by emotions. not filled with hatred, but bubbling with hatred.
war, and that's when the people start to hate the leaders of the country. it's always like that... always so for EVERY country. i don't understand why they'll feel like that. I mean, even in singapore, even though there's no war, but the COE, VQS, ERP, everything that requires money and causes some trouble to their pocket, they start complaining. like they can change anything about it. and the only thing i can do, and the only action i can do is give them this face -- >.>

the only lines i have for them are: mai sue sue ay mi kia a si ani kuan. bo kua an lang dok xim fu. (direct translation: don't small small matter also like that. never look at how lucky we are.)

if a leader steps up and a war breaks out, is it really his fault?
IMO, i think it is only to a small extent his fault. majority of the problem is with the rest of the cabinet who have been working with the past ministers, and of course, the past minsters. they were the ones who PAVED this route for the current minister. and they have paved it so well, the current minster has no way to redirect his ship (country), but to only follow with the flow.

Of cousre, if this minister has been there for more than 4 years, then i'd say it will be mostly his fault.



Bury me in roses -- I really love this title! caught my attention.
Very very vivid imagery, right from the first line to the last.
The last stanza is SO PRETTY! I would rate it 5/5 ><
But it can't stand alone.

'are they sad for my departure?/ Or for my unrevealed disclosure?' VERY WELL-PENNED!

'enclosed in my exquisite casket' wow! what a way to describe a coffin! so clear.

i think this poem is a really great jump from all your previous write. the language, the connotation, and the depth of this poem. really, simple as it may seem to be to the eye, it's a poem like a picture. as if a painter has painted a see through picture, with a lot of passersby on the ground and the dead body with a living soul burning with hatred underground.

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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Mar 25, 2011 9:51 am

First of all, thank you for liking them!

Bury me in roses is my favourite so far actually, and I'm glad that you got the message I tried to convey. And I appreciate your effort to review it as well, I'm looking for a detailed criticism (or compliment, XDD) instead of a simple, That's great! or Love it!, sometimes it had me wondering if they'd even read it (no offense intended) and my mood just fell flat even though it was a compliment, I'm demanding aren't I? XD

Honestly, this is a poem where I thought of the title before I wrote it. I was thinking about roses and how cliche that it was used as a symbol of affection, and then a chain of thoughts ran through my head until I thought of death (yes, the theme always goes back to the dead, that's just my style of writing, I call it my inner-emoness, XD) and well, it was translated into a poem, I was so engrossed in this one I even found a picture for it, lol.



PS. That is also my favourite line, I was surprised that I'm capable of writing it too! Haha, just don't carry too high hopes for my next poem though, it's rare for me to produce a good one, XD
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Mar 25, 2011 10:10 am

pieces

Yes, I hated politics, I don't understand why politics have to be involved in everything, isn't the main point of politics to keep the harmony of one country? But why are they at war? Have they not have anything else better to do? And yes, I was directing it at certain personnel, but not only in current time, but since history as well.
PS. That's a funny face. I give them this ;p XD
Mostly I roll my eye balls.

Nicely said! Politics is a web of (puppets?) I forgotten what it's called, everyone was manipulated and the master mind might be manipulated as well, it's just an incomprehensible net of games, too dangerous to be involved in. And I didn't know Singapore is like that as well. Yet, on the other hand, everywhere is similar.

Back to the poem, you think it's direct?? Haha, I thought it was sort of indirect, I described a lot, nevertheless, I was still amazed that I wrote poems, I wrote poems! XD and I'm daring to post them! I remembered those days where I was afraid to show my works to other people for fear they will crush me because I was just a beginner and have no self confidence at all, but now I'm capable of taking hardcore criticism and appreciating it. Gosh, I've grown.

Thanks for reviewing my poems again:) I'll be waiting for the next inspiration to hit me. By the way, I have a new found discovery in my interest, I love photography (not taking them, more to looking at them) because I could decipher the hidden message in the picture and translate it into a poem. I have some in mind ] and and I'm thinking for nice words, XD
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Mar 25, 2011 10:11 am

^ Okay, the picture just malfunctioned, ==
I'll post them some other time.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Tue Mar 29, 2011 2:23 am

okay just saying, i love that a lot. really that roses poem. it's really very vivid. honestly, without rereading the poem, once the title came into view, i could totally imagine that whole image in my mind ALL OVER AGAIN. that's just how AMAZING that poem is!

KUDOS!

talking about 'it's great' comments. know what I call them?
One-liner reviews.
Not even given a thought about. probably just came by thinking that dropping a review to an author/ a poet who says that he/she will return reviews would help that person (the one who gave a one-liner review) to attain more reviews.

And no, it's not demanding. it's just normal. because we ALL want to be appreciated, and not want people to just give plain praises. that's why i try by very best to give lengthy reviews with a lot of personal opinions so that it doesn't seem so slip-shot.

I'd quote from 'the clay marble' by mingfo ho: 'war is like a football match... whose turn it is to kick...' i can't really member. it's basically about the leaders of the country treating war as a football match and it's about when it's time for them to kick ,and whose turn it is to open fire.... just that the pawns they're using are their own people's lives.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Apr 08, 2011 9:38 pm

Anyway, just a word of thought...
You mentioned something about 'style of writing' or 'writing style' (they're the same thing anyway, i'm just being long-winded, but whatever~><)...
I guess you're better than me in the area of poetry since you do know your style. I'm COMPLETELY clueless of my own style. I have no idea what-so-ever of how to find out my style of writing.

I write about nature, I write about love, I write about despair, agony, friendship, family everything under the sky, and i don't really link them to a certain theme like linking them to life or anything like that. it's just weird how i can't get what my writing style is. and i've realized that i do sometimes rhyme my poems, sometimes through rhythm, sometimes through sophistication of words, sometimes through other means like erratic lines or disjointed lines. idk what exactly is my style or method of writing.

I used to have a 'teacher', can't really call him a teacher since he didn't really teach, he just commented on my poems. Okay, so much for telling you i had a teacher. >< But yeah , i once had this teacher who told me my style of writing, but i couldn't remember. and well he's a really good writer. he entered several competitions, really famous competitions (local though), and won awards for them. so maybe not all famous poets knew their style of writing, but i believe most do. so yeah, i'm not really that good in comparison to you ><
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Wed May 11, 2011 10:57 pm

and wherever you are, please update your poems!
it's now filled with MY voice! O.O
so amazing ><

anyway i look forward to your writes. I am still reminiscing about the poem with the rose and the dead person. it's just COMPLETELY amazing. you should really post elsewhere, like send it in for competition or sth. it's AWESOME. and I'm not joking.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Tue May 31, 2011 6:24 am

Hi Ger! Sorry for not updating, lol.

What? Me? Competition??! I don't think I qualify yet! Honestly! I still have so much to improve! Razz

So here's my first try after several months. (Hope I don't get rusty, haha)

Crashing Sail

Drifting through the wind,
Controlled by the tide,
I have no anchor,
No purpose nor aim....

In which direction I take,
it's just a a rash decision I made,
Given no thorough deliberation,
nor thoughtful consideration...

And look where it lead me?
The giant waves engulfed me,
Until I crashed
On a deserted bay....

I am lost,
no compass, no light
Will they find me?
when I'm far out of the grid....

This, I have learned my lesson
To have a voice,
In everything I say...
To have wisdom,
In everything I do...
To have affirmation that would not be easily swayed....

-LOL, I hope this poem turned up good, haha. I'm actually telling myself to be more...firm in myself, be more zhu3 jian4 and not to be comfortable just because I didn't have to be the one to make th decisions. Steer my own boat I say, haha. Time to be the captain that sort of thing.

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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Tue May 31, 2011 6:31 am

I'm having few words flashing in my mind, one of them is rekindle. One thing about me is that, I get inspired by words. Like I thought of the title before the story, so the story actually gravitates around the title, but I hate it when I thought of the story and couldn't think of the perfect title, like this story I was working on (yeah, I had stopped writing it for quite some time now, but hey, holidays, gotta continue them again, haha) it is about a girl with muscular dystrophy (actually got that inspiration during biology class) who changed the life of a pessimist boy, his mum died, so he was afraid to befriend another person who will die on him. Still, no title. Titleless...Haha, sorry, I'm just fessing up my frustration.

PS. The poem Crashing sail, as you noticed, is written in both past and present tense, I tend to mix the tenses up, but actually I;m trying to convey my thoughts through the tenses (somehow my teacher doesn't accept it:P)

for an example:

In which direction I take,
it's just a a rash decision I made


Take because I'm trying to show that I'm still taking instructions from people without actually thinking things through and made because I have my mind set a long time ago that I will do so obediently without any arguments.

But of course, sometimes the tenses just don't make any sense, so feel free to correct me:D
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Wed Jun 01, 2011 4:40 am

i understand. it's difficult to grasp because poetry isn't like novels/ stories. in stories we can vary the tenses and people can comprehend. but here, poetry it's not easy to comprehend because there are just too little words.

but it's an interesting approach. i've never tried that, or at least, not consciously.

btw that line you've pointed out, it should be a ' I've made' and not 'I made'

emotive, imaginative. it sent me into a warp of confusing clarity. i don't know how that's even possible, but i mean.. it is, since we're just masses of existences, in a world of existence. we don't really exist, or maybe we do kind of thing. we don't know whether we're living, half-alive, or dead. we claim we're alive because we don't want to be dead. we're afraid of death, because we think we're alive. We don't want to die because we think it's the end, when it can actually be a beautiful beginning. maybe this life we claim we're living, is but a vision and a dream we're in. maybe when we die, we'll wake from that dream, and live in another dream... etc. Okay, what am i talking about? nono, that's not the way to think about stuff. that was just plain randomness, getting more and more inclined to random inputs and outputs >< okay i'm drifting into physics. rofl.


Forward-looking
Always self-entertain
Initiate your encouragements
Take different approaches
Hold on tight.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Wed Jun 01, 2011 4:42 am

my brain is stubbornly resting, don't want to think... nothing is getting through i get a rough idea. my brain only cooperates with me when i study. ahha. gd thing still, at least that will help me do well for studies. ><
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Wed Jun 01, 2011 7:53 am

Lol, I admit, that's really random, but it makes perfect sense!

Why are you so insightful? Haha. It's true that what we thought was life is just a dream we are living. To me, humans are temporary vessels, our body don't belong to us, it will decomposed after we're buried into the Earth. Our heart, donated to other people when we die. Our soul will be judged and then proceed to either heaven or hell. The only thing that belongs to us when we are living is our mind, where we control the direction of thoughts, but that also could slip from our control.

Do you know that whenever I watched a horror story or read a paranormal story I tend to think that humans are vulnerable and useless? A gunshot, die. A stab to the chest, die. Hit by a car, die. Illness? Minimum chance. Yet we studied the complex mechanisms that build up our body and we thought what divine creatures we are. Okay, I'm trailing so far away from the subject.

LOL
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Wed Jun 01, 2011 8:03 am

Iridescent

Seven colors
Merged to form light
Brightness that lit
The darkness of the night

Seven colors
Different intensity
Symbolizes different happiness
That painted the pages of our life

Seven colors
Distinct yet unique
Just like the humans
We stumbled on the streets

Seven colors
Formed the rainbow
Which made its rare appearance describing the rarity of a divine occurrence
After the dew drops fall

Fools on stage

Life was an orchestrated play,
Humans are fools that struts on the stage
No absolute intention,
Just for the sake of recognition
Obeying the instruction
Of a pretending director….

If life was that simple
Where conversations are scripted
Actions are intended
And the world would be at ease
No deranged madman hunting children on the streets
No suicide bombers in plan of a hara-kiri

If life was that simple…
Then there would be no humans
For we are animals
But loving creatures at times….
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jun 02, 2011 6:42 am

Iridescent -- The title itself reminds me of the Aurora Borealis. Surreal, mystical, captivating, unique.
However, it was a little disappointing to read it as the rainbow. Actually, the rainbow isn't something that Iridescent. So that was why i felt it didn't fully amplify the title, which was quite a pity! It did address the title though, because of the 'colours' idea in it. Well, because when we analyze a poem, we try/ attempt to link the title to the poem. The degree of iridescent is much higher than that of a rainbow. As I've pointed out, it has to be surreal, mystical, captivating, and unique. A rainbow maybe be captivating to some, but it definitely isn't mystical or surreal. However, it doesn't apply to ALL rainbows. Here, I am assuming that the rainbow you're talking about are the typical rainbows. However, it can be mystical if it's a double rainbows. That will be rare, and thus surreal and mystical.

Title aside, the poem was mostly smooth until the second last line. A mouthful to read! It's a little too long, maybe you could split it into two lines instead?

I like how the first two lines seem to make SO MUCH sense. 'Seven colours/ merged to form light'. As much as we know, WHITE light is made of the seven colours of the rainbow. So I thought it cool how you had included this scientific knowledge into your poem. It does serve to remind the reader that it's an intellectually capable poet, who can link the different knowledge together and display it before the reader, whose write he/she is reading. Kudos (:

The second stanza however, didn't quite make sense to me. How is being 'distinct' and 'different' parallel to 'stumbling on the streets'? There's just this gap between that hasn't been patched.

To end it off, I would say that this poem is sweet. and gives rainbows a whole new meaning. I never thought of rainbow like that. To me, rainbow is breath-taking, but short-lived. You know how people always say 'beauty is short-lived'. ><

Can see how you're attempting to keep your poem in a neat structure, but i suggest you not do that. It kills the beauty of your flow that way, not because of too many/ too little syllables/ words, but more of the lack of flow as a result of consistent efforts to keep them to the number of lines. You'll cut so much that you want to say, such that it looses its meaning altogether -- the reader will either misinterpret or be unable to comprehend what you're trying to convey, and usually, the later.

Fools on stage -- I've somewhat a similar thought to that. I thought of all of us humans being in a play. all of us acting at times you know... putting on masquerades and smiles, telling lies and all. The only difference between us and actors/ actresses, they have an audience (us) but we have none.

'No deranged madman hunting children on the street/ no suicide bombers in plan of a hara-kiri' I like this. HOW TRUE!

The last two lines didn't quite make sense to me though.

Some issues to bring out:
'struts' should be 'strut'
'instruction' should be 'instructions'
'and' should be 'then'

The last two lines are really bugging me. What do they mean? I really am clueless about it.


Crashing Sail -- This poem was well-written in the sense, the title resonates well with the poem. If we were to put this in terms of a play, i'd say the stanzas are the scenes and the whole poem is the play. Awesome. Very nicely linked.

But about what you've mentioned about having a voice... I don't think it necessary. Sometimes, having no voice, and sitting on the fence is the best way out of trouble. Just be a listener. In projects, you'll be disliked, but i mean, not in my class. because you'll only be disliked if you are hardworking... because no one is hardworking enough... they would rather all be lazy and then when the time comes to submit their homework, they just tell the teacher 'i didn't know' or 'nobody told us'... and it would seem rather valid since no one has done it.

Gosh, I must have been keeping a lot in to be rambling so much >< True, I haven't told anyone much.. I complain, i mean that's like a norm to every student, teen, youngster, child, toddler, adult, elderly, and other age groups. it's called the 'typical singaporean' attitude. But I complain for the sake of complaining, because that's the only way to be 'in'. Again... Rambling again!

Okay. I should stop here, or I can go on for another hour... I still have an english essay to complete (due tomorrow).

And I'm surprised how you are suddenly so active.

I will only be on at night, around 9+ (we've no time difference if i'm not wrong?).
So yea, if you want to chat online or anything, you can come online at around this time (today is an exception because i'm supposed to be home early to do my english essay corrections... but look where I am and what I'm doing~ ) .



Last edited by *~Dreamer~* on Thu Jun 02, 2011 6:44 am; edited 1 time in total
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Location : somewhere behind a computer screen ><

Character sheet
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Age: 18/15
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jun 02, 2011 6:43 am

zomg... I just realized i wrote an essay lol. sorry to torture your poor eyes. (: Next time I'll colour the different parts so that it won't be so boring to read ><
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