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 Trying my luck at poems....

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natshane
High Priestess
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Female Join date : 2010-06-11
Location : In a deep deep hole....

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Name: Adrianna
Age: 16
Affinity: Hobby: Writing

PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:45 am

Iridescent

LOL, you know how poor I am in picking titles for my story, I looked up the meaning of iridescent and true, it meant something more than Rainbow colours, but I was hoping to find a better title, thanks for pointing that out! And sorry to disappoint (one of the reasons is because I really like the name Iridescent)

Seven colors
Distinct yet unique
Just like the humans
We stumbled on the stree

What I was trying to convey was the seven colours of the rainbow was distinctive and unique, just like the humans that we come across every day, everyone was special and you can't find two same person who shares the same 'traits' I hope I cleared that up, haha...

Fools on stage

Oh yeah! I was being totally random in this one! The first stanza was saying how life was like a play, well, you get that part, and the second one was my wish saying how I wish life is like a drama, where it was directed and we know the ending, but the third stanza I wanted to covey the impossibility of that wish, because if life was at peace, then we are not humans, because humans are animals (savage, beast, selfish etc) yet, at the same time, we are also humans (compassionate, loving....)

Crashing sail

Haha, thanks! Well, that's exactly like my school! I mean, you see the difference between our social life and the westerners, our 'popularity level' depended on how much money we have and how smart we are, but you can't be too smart because you're a geek, and you can't be much of an emo person (which to me, emo is a fashion statement, not a personality) because you'll be a social outcast. SURVIVING HIGH SCHOOL IS TOUGH!


Oh don't worry! It doesn't bore me, I like reading your comments! I'll try to on as much as I could too! I missed being here....Well, good luck with your essay!
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*~Dreamer~*
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Age: 18/15
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Jun 04, 2011 8:34 am

ahh i see now. I SEEEEEEE. but rephrasing is needed. it is completely not understood.

note: humans aren't always and exactly 'compassionate' and 'loving'. ><

I like that. it's exactly SO singaporean attitude roflmao.
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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jun 09, 2011 9:30 am

Hahaha, it's been a long time since I read roflmao...
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*~Dreamer~*
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jun 09, 2011 5:19 pm

LOL! That was completely random!
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*~Dreamer~*
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Age: 18/15
Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)

PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:39 am

and anyway, you seem rather inconsistent about being on y'know.

I guess I'll be likewise soon enough.. like when school reopens again.

I probably won't even be around, so i'll be active now and post as much as i can, so that you can spend time reading them when you're bored or something. dk if we're having exams at the same period. But sure do know that we don't have the same curriculum. ><

I miss you manz! miss reading your reviews, and miss reading your writes! miss talking to you too!

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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jun 30, 2011 12:19 pm

Hey Ger! I know, when I'm gone I will be for a long time (actually I couldn't find the site today Razz I kept on typing forummotion.com, which redirected me to another forum! Razz)

Anyway, I'm back for the weekend and I missed talking to you too! I love your poem Alone by the way! (maybe I'm feeling a bit emo today, I had a moody day, like everything pisses me off)

Well, school...dreading it because there are ongoing sports activities and I'm lazy to drag myself out of bed just so I can get some marks to enter college. I rather study, I'm more of a theoretical person than a practical one, haha.

So what's new with you? I'm being cranky FYI, maybe it's a monthly thing. Who knows?

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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jun 30, 2011 12:20 pm


Succumbed

Earth in thrall of supremacy
Power is what grades us all
The authority shall forever be in mercy
And the weak will take the fall
Succumbed into inequity
We lost our integrity
Giving in into the mighty
Losing our own identity.

Earth is a masquerade ball
In costumes and masks we pirouette
Concealing our distinctive personality
For hope to be someone else
Succumbed into conformity
In order to fit in
Lacking of individuality
The world becomes a stereotypical planet
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*~Dreamer~*
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Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right)
Age: 18/15
Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)

PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 01, 2011 5:27 am

you strayed off a little (rhyme-wise) towards the end.
Impressed. I think this was a nicely written poem. apt vocab. nice imagery. some uneven lines, but not serious.
Only one line i felt was a little of a mouthful to read:
'concealing our distinctive personality'
3-1-3-4 (number of syllables)

while the line before goes like this:
1-2(can put this together though)-1-1-1(this can again be put together)-3(or is this a four? my vocabulary sucks. i don't know what this word means).

Ahh yes, first stanza third line from the bottom,
i think it should be a 'loose' and not a 'lost'. because it is something still happening...? well to me that is. it seemed smoother to read anyways. ><

I love your opening line. POWERFUL. thumbs up!
I also like the idea of earth being repeated. you know... remind the reader, 'you are reading a poem about the becoming of humans on EARTH. this is the EARTH you are living on. this is the planet we call EARTH. EARTH EARTH EARTH EARTH.' I like the succinct message of earth being the protagonist of the poem.

'the authority is forever in mercy' i love this line. very very distinct use of imagery.

See that you repeated the title thrice. it wasn't obvious enough. probably because the 'earth' is stealing the limelight.


overal, a very well-penned poem.

and great to see you again :DDD

I'll be having prelims in 53 days. DD:
and then O levels 168days from today. DD:
and my results....
early in january next year.
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natshane
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Name: Adrianna
Age: 16
Affinity: Hobby: Writing

PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:29 pm

Thank you! I felt quite an accomplishment writing this, I don't know what got over me that day, haha. I'll try to mend the mistakes and hopefully I'll do better next time.

O'level is 200+ days away for me and my results will only be announced in May?

Anyway, I'm hoping to be enrolled in the university in January though.

Here's another 'EMO' poem (though I believe emo is just a fashion statement) And it kind of is cliche but I was inspired by a creepy book cover. LOL Don't be too dissapointed though, haha:)

]b]Girl in the mirror (rewrite)
[/b]
A veil concealing the face
Of a condemned maid
Tortured and lashed
Beaten and thrashed
Till the skin cracked
Leaving a deep red slash.

The veil concealed the face,
Like a fog camouflaging the terrains,
Hiding the truth beneath the surface
Banishing the memories remained,
Inflicting everlasting pain
To the girl who was enduring…

The girl in the mirror suffers the most,
She doesn’t know how hideous she looks,
Nor she knows of the implications of it,
There’s a throbbing so raw,
Bathed in salt, She alone felt it,
For the truth only she who saw.

Girl in the mirror


Who is she?
She looked tired
She looked bored
She looked like a girl that was torn…

In the mirror,
She stared back,
Two eyes shaded black,
Lacking the luminosity she once had….

She looked like me,
Haunted and frail,
Tortured and dazed,
Like a walking corpse decayed….

The girl in the mirror,
Is my reflection,
My interpretation
A travesty of the dead….

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*~Dreamer~*
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Age: 18/15
Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)

PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 08, 2011 6:25 am

'two eyes shaded black' very powerful.
Some difficulty with the alternate rhyme scheme as I can see. like i always do bump into when writing rhymers.
I like the message. imagery was detailed, distinct, outlined, coloured, and even the tones are filled in.
beautifully eerie. Like it!
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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 08, 2011 9:06 am

Thank you! And I like it that you described it as Beautiful eerie, that's the kind of vibe I was hoping to convey!
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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jul 14, 2011 10:30 am

(Title-less - Just a random piece)

For a hundred years,
He was branded
Tortured, scarred,
Left with an irremovable mark

Nightmare haunted
His every dreams
The memory tainted
His very being

Abducted, chained
A hostage of the mean
Nearly hopeless
Still she lives

There she met,
The man of her dreams
Both with dark pasts
But shared a new beginning

But with the birth
Of a lighting star
Is her warmth sufficient
To vanquish his fears?

Is her glow able
In penetrating his shields?
Or does it revives
The demons concealed?
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* ashton*
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jul 14, 2011 10:34 am

that was good! considering i dont know half of those words..... facepalm
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jul 14, 2011 10:37 am

Haha, thank you! If you have any questions you can ask me though, though sometimes I don't make sense myself Razz
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* ashton*
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jul 14, 2011 6:04 pm

okay sweet ill keep that in ind, starting now.... question one: it says that i am a human, how do i change it? or what do i do to change it? sorry im sort of new at all this crap, i just now figured out how to change me avatar lol,
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 15, 2011 6:07 am

oh, that depends on your post count dear. your status (which is what you're referring to) is dependent of your post counts. you can check the post counts at the forum section. I think they have placed it there. At every juncture of post counts, you'll get different statuses (which is the rank that you get). Hope that answers (:

Title-less poem: I don't know, but I really really love the emotions packed in it. It's both sweet, dark, romantic and bitter-sad. Although I must admit that the later is a little weak in its stand. I do sense fear in here too. I love the last stanza. awesome piece. Sorry, lousy word to use. but it's really beautiful. The second last stanza. Oh how amorous! and yet, how doubtful too! Love the contradictions succinct through this write. Thumbs up. :DD
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 15, 2011 6:28 am

I think you've improved a lot since the last poem i read before the rose. anything that came after the rose was really a big leap. applause for that! you must have worked really hard! (unlike me,i just write whatever comes. and don't really bother much about all the words.)
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 15, 2011 8:38 am

haha thanks that really helped,
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 15, 2011 9:26 am

Smile PS, You're profile pic is amazing!
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 15, 2011 9:38 am

hahaha, I see you like stark? everyone used to like erik and now its the oppisite
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 15, 2011 9:40 am

Oh yeah, Erik was sort of an a**, I never really liked him though, but I kinda re-liked him in Awakened.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 15, 2011 9:41 am

your friend i presume?
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 15, 2011 9:43 am

Hi Ger!

Thank you for your kind comments, really?? I really improved a lot?? Haha. And by rose, is it the Bury me with roses one?? it has been a long time.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 15, 2011 9:44 am

honestly, i've no idea. i didn't rmb the title. but the poem was really significant.
the one with the idea of a see thru coffin. it's like a picture of a grave where the dead is burning of anger or some sort of resentment and people on top are just walking by and placing flowers.
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Jul 15, 2011 9:46 am

That my friend, is why I adore you. You always managed to understand what I try to convey and feel what I try to depict!
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