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 Trying my luck at poems....

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*~Dreamer~*
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Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right)
Age: 18/15
Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)

PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:50 am

Just use that line i've pointed out then?

A show line evokes emotions. A tell line doesn't .

Like for example,
I am hurt vs Sorrow (being specific about what aspect of 'hurt' you're referring to) carved yet deeper into my heart. (emotional effect) Desperate as logic was, my brain whirled till my soul was too tired to feel the agonizing grief. (mental effect).

Basically, showing takes more lines and more descriptions. It's usually the descriptions which makes your poems/ stories come alive. telling is just stating what you felt or what you did or what you thought. showing is describing HOW you felt, HOW you did (whatever you did to try and make things better/ take revenge), and gives a proper how ending.

instead of 'I walked forlornly out of the room', a show will go 'and so my forlorn footsteps, in pace with my broken heart, left the room soundlessly.

I know I'm terrible at explaining. That's really the best I could do. Sorry.
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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:42 am

No, I think you did a great explanation, thanks! I HOPE that my next poems would be better, I'm out of inspirations now, haha. Thanks for the lesson!
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Wed Nov 17, 2010 6:09 am

My relic

I saw the boogeyman
Same night as always
It screeched on my window
And left a trailing breath

I didn’t know, that it was alive
Until it whispers my name
And left me shuddering
Enveloped in my fears…

His sound echoed the room
He surrounded my four walls
And I was terrified
Of the chase that had begun

He has come back to haunt me
Reliving my past memories
With his scarred face
Reminding me of my petrifying yesterday…

I am running, my legs barely touched the ground
But he was faster, when he stalked my every step
I would find a loophole, but I’m focusing on escaping my fate
When the time he got me, I know I’ll be prepared.


Notorious

The heavy gun strapped to my arms
Loaded bullets filled to the core
Serving for my life mission
Imperative for justice to be done

The earth is crying blood
People are covered in dirt
Blazing anger torn through me
When I watched them twisted in agony

For the greater good,
I believe in sacrifice
And I lined up ahead
For my personal death row…




Butterflies

Butterflies…
Messenger of the wind…
Beautiful beyond compare
Dancing and twirling in pairs…

I ask the butterfly
If they’re still there….
Now as the sun passed by
I could see them…

The beautiful colors they have
Formed a rainbow in the air
I saw the beauty they possessed
And I smile as they went

But the monsoon changed
And the wind blew away
The butterflies that swayed
Along the wind coaster ride…

The joy and pain
The dullness it brings
As the butterflies flew away
I wait for the next season to play….
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*~Dreamer~*
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Age: 18/15
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:23 am

Optimism isn't really my type of poetry, but it was beautiful. I can see how you're trying to show and not tell. Personification and all that... Good try. It's still not very strong yet, but i'm sure you'll improve in time to come. Mine aren't very good either, but it's practice that makes you improve.

I like the second best.... I think it's really really good. As in the emotions packed in it. especially the last stanza. I loved that last stanza... I don't know how to explain, the truth in the make-belief... like a... a.... paradox. It just rings so true...ARGHHHHH. forget it. I don't know how to explain it DDDD: I'll come back to you when i find the phrase/word/ line/ sentence/ stanza/ poem/ paragraph/ story/ novel/ quote/etc to explain ><

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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Nov 22, 2010 6:01 am

You mean the poem Butterflies? I was listening to a song Butterflies and I really felt free, like I'm imagining myself playing with them, maybe that's why I had more tell lines than action lines, haha. Thanks by the way, that was my first poem after I knew how to differentitate between tell and action lines, so sorry if it sucked, XD. And you're right, practise makes perfect.

Why thank you:) I hope I finally had the hang of it, I like this poem the best also, not just because I have a sense of accomplishment, but because this is actually what I felt and I;m glad that I could potray it properly. Thanks for the comment (although you didn't think of the words, haha:))
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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Nov 25, 2010 5:36 am

Desperate endeavor

My throat constricted from shouting
My limbs sore from hiking
My mind was tired of pretending
That he is still waiting

My heartbeat frantic when the mist stalked me
When it engulfed me, I was left in nihility
Searching for the person to be
As I clutched tightly to my backpack

The predators had marked me
I could feel their lustful eyes on me
Watching my desperate pace without deviating their gaze
Crouched in a corner waiting for the perfect raid

Their bloody breath breathed to my back
My blood boiled and my mind raced
Order me to run and save my life
But still I went deeper searching for him
In my desperate endeavor to find him.
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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Nov 25, 2010 5:38 am

My ultimatum

I tore pieces of the letter away
Each sheet shredded with pain
My fingers were sliced
And the blood dripped by
When I held the pen and write
The final demand I wanted in life

The mockery to who I was
And who I am still
The pain and suffering that was inflicted
Will have the repaying
Until the debt is cleared

With my final ultimatum
I have a voice
A sound of my own
A payback for they had shamed me
And now I will regain control

I found the words
I constructed the sentences
I wrote my statement
And wait for it to be delivered in actions
Till then, I possessed a moment of great presage.
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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Nov 25, 2010 5:39 am

Stoic

She’d been gone and now she’d return
Sprouted life in my womb
Breathing in my body
Growing in my shield
Warmed in my protection

I caressed her motherly
I loved her whole heartedly
Fed her significantly
But now she left, yet once again….

I remembered the joy when I heard her flapping wings
But now what replace was despair
Grief and sadness for her fading symphony
The rhythm I was attuned to always
Now is just an eerie sensation

Why couldn’t she wait for the right time to be gone?
She withdrew abruptly, leaving me empty and hollow
For once had been a sweet memory, transformed into a poignant nightmare
I know who will haunt me, till the end…
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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Nov 29, 2010 5:00 am

Unmerciful

I laid in a pool of blood
My chest cut opened with the sharpest blade
My body drained dry
While the time ticked by
Numbness overtook my conscious and mind

My breath shallowed with each drip of innocence blood shed
A ball of ire filled my dying breath
Surrounding fire burned through my rotting flesh
I will die a slow painful death

Fire danced around my skin
Licking and testing it seemed
It lapped on my skin and agony consumed me
Wiping out my dreams and needs

The fire is feeding on me
Hunger and lust I smelled in the air I breathe
Just like the man who killed me
After he reaped and ripped through me

Insatiate darkness awaits
Linger and ponder it stayed
For the moment I crumbled
I will face the reaper again…
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*~Dreamer~*
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Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right)
Age: 18/15
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Nov 29, 2010 5:12 am

Stoic:Too many 'I's. I'm repetition sensitive (terribly so). Maybe that's also why it loses the 'show' effect.
Rather, maybe just popping in one or two in the whole poem is good enough.

Unmerciful: I think this is a very powerful descriptive poem. Somehow it still feels very much like a tell poem. The first part is quite much of a tell... the last two stanzas is more 'show'-ish. ><

Love the last poem the most -- Unmerciful. thumbs up x3
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Wed Dec 01, 2010 5:59 am

Thanks! I'm still kind of hung up between those two (tell and action) lines, if you noticed, haha. A good poem is extremely difficult to prodce. Anyway, I just finished reading a book and I think inspirations are coming to me, I hope I don't screw this one because I really felt connected to the book and I really understand the narrator's POV.
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 02, 2010 5:22 am

Thirteen Reasons Why (retry)

Inevitable
The treatment I received
Was it because of me?
Or because they couldn’t find their own release?
To harassed a being
Till it drove them to the brink of insanity.

Insignificant
The choices they’ve made
The impact it has
On me, the victim
When they pleased themselves
With the laughter of mockery

Insatiable
Their needs to torment me
Pierced me with venomous words
And inconsiderate actions
That mounted up to form crushing pressure
Once again, on me.

Fed up
That had lead me
To make the decision to end my life
For I had grown tired with the teasing
That accompanied me
For a very long time.


~it may have lots of tell lines, but this is what I felt when I read the book, Thirteen Reasons Why, so sorry if it's bad, haha.
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*~Dreamer~*
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Age: 18/15
Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)

PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 02, 2010 5:29 am

True, true. They are really difficult to write...I seldom write good poems too. My inspirations... I don't know. I seldom have extreme emotions. It's mostly just certain specific thoughts that i form into these lines. They don't really stand out as well.

Of course we don't wish to fail or screw up anything we do, but it's from screwing up that we learn the most. Really, from what people say or the mistakes they make, you will never learn as much as you do when you make the mistakes yourself.

all the best!

I'll update again... currently not having any inspirations... more like don't have any energy left to do anymore... We are mostly drained from all the lessons and work we're given.
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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 02, 2010 7:40 am

Yes, I do believe that practise makes perfect, haha. I had been writing poems since beginning of this year and honestly before that I hadn't even thought about it. I'm glad that is didn't suck so bad but hope it suck as well because at least i know where I went wrong.

I'm constantly surrounded by inspiration but it wonders me how I could lose them some times, haha. I always observe what people are doing and try to experience it myself, or if someone did something to me, I would try to channel my thoughts and feelings into a poem about someone else as the character, but in truth it's me.

All the best for you too! Hope you could update your poem soon, but don't worry, no pressure:) Good poems takes time:)
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 02, 2010 8:13 am

Remembrance

My scars throbbed
Like a fresh open wound
Poured with acid
As it sizzles off the surface
Burning the flesh off my skin
Till only the bones are seen.

Reliving the pain of the day
The nightmare only resurface on a certain day
When this day is my death
Yet once again,
I needed to embrace,
The darkest night in my life.
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*~Dreamer~*
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Age: 18/15
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Dec 03, 2010 5:32 am

Well you're active. I am not actively writing anything atm. Maybe when i'm back. I'll post them up on fictionpress if i can. don't have much time now to write and post.
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Dec 03, 2010 6:02 am

Haha, inspirations are hitting me so I gotta write before I lose them. It's okay though:) Hope I can read your soon:) All the best!
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*~Dreamer~*
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Dec 13, 2010 4:55 am

Yeap, I'll write some nice ones real soon ((:
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Tue Dec 14, 2010 5:28 am

Bittersweet Symphony

The tune floated in the air
Melodious with an edge
Composed by the darkest heart
Surrounded with the warmest thread

The symphony orchestrated
Portrayed a lonely soul
Entangled in a bundle of mess
Trapped in a deadly spiral net

The high note in the melody was his pain
The frantic notes were his confusion
The depressing tone was him failing
But it ended with a loud ding - a final suffering

Now the notes danced on a bubbly end
Warmth flooded us where we stand
I see the troubled man
Breaking free of his engulfing mesh

His fingers danced through the keys
Ballad through the unstained perfection
The serenity bubble
Of the calming ambience he was whelmed in

A bittersweet symphony played
By a sentimental composer
In which the melody he creates
A reflecting mirror to his twisted state
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*~Dreamer~*
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Age: 18/15
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 16, 2010 5:13 am

nice reiteration, but this is a tell poem. you are telling the reader too much. Maybe just writing the notes .


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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Dec 17, 2010 1:06 am

Gah! I can never differentiate those two! Just when I started to think I get the hang of it >.<
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*~Dreamer~*
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Age: 18/15
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Dec 17, 2010 5:09 am

It's not easy. I was just lucky to have a flying start. I can differentiate the two, but can't explain their differences.
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Dec 17, 2010 5:51 am

I don't have lit class here, the most lit thing I've ever done is read about poems but never analyse the writing, instead we analyse the meaning, so it's hard for me to grasp the idea. I'll keep writing and keep trying:)
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*~Dreamer~*
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Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right)
Age: 18/15
Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)

PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Dec 18, 2010 5:07 am

Same here, it's just that... idk? I guess i was just born with it. I never really trained much, just keep writing. but yeah, we do analyzing of poetry over at my country. We just read poems by deceased poets and we are graded on what they were trying to tell and other blahs of the poem... the literary devices etc.
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natshane
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Age: 16
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Dec 20, 2010 4:42 am

I think I could differentiate it a liitle, so correct me if I'm wrong.

Action lines:
His fingers danced through the keys
Ballad through the unstained perfection
The serenity bubble
Of the calming ambience he was whelmed in

Tell lines:
The symphony orchestrated
Portrayed a lonely soul
Entangled in a bundle of mess
Trapped in a deadly spiral net

Is it right?? LOL
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