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 Trying my luck at poems....

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*~Dreamer~*
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Dec 20, 2010 7:39 pm

To me, the second sounds more show then the first. but since you point out that that's an action line, so yeah it's okay. but show and action isn't the same idea IMO.

in the second stanza, the second line is a tell line. the last two lines are show lines.

I can't really explain the differences, but i sort of feel the differences I can only tell you which i think is a tell line and which is a show line.

You put in a lot of effort into finding out the differences and differentiating. I don't think that is quite necessary. Everyone has a different style. I believe that if you write and read enough, you'll naturally be able to write a show poem. In fact, I believe that even if you write a tell poem, you will end up being able to show through your tell line.

I feel that reading is a lot more important than writing and trying to analyze the differences. Reading is the fastest way tounderstand and enlighten oneself.

all the best though.
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Wed Dec 22, 2010 5:55 am

Thank you very much for your effort in explaining things to me.

Well, I wanted to improve my writing because I want to make people to be able to 'feel' and understand what I'm trying to say and potray through my poems, instead of going 'Oh, it's nice. Decent.' Haha. And I sort of wanted a good criticism or opinion on my writing. LOL.

Thanks again!
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 23, 2010 7:12 am

Patriotic

The bullet embedded deeply in my chest
Cutting through my veins
Left me in screaming in vain
My clothes tainted by the red that was my blood

Agony tore through me
But I will die faithfully
For I had fulfilled my duty
To serve my country

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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 23, 2010 7:13 am

Perfunctory kiss

I’m just customary
An obligation he carries
A robotic creature I marry
And I thought I could live life perfectly

How I was sorry
For there never was love to be bury
Though he stares me intently
Still it’s job he sees

I doomed myself
No arguments for the choice I’ve made
So this is my punishment
An eternity of perfunctory kiss

~I meant for this poem to be about being controlled, haha
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 23, 2010 7:14 am

Sleuthing

I’m the mastermind
Skills I disguised
Pick locking I acquire
For perfection it’s required

People strolled arrogantly
Waving their hands, posed a graceful stand
I mimicked
A chameleon in an ideal camouflage

I spotted my victim
Saw her lovely rings
Glitter under the blinks
It clings to her lovely flesh

I crept forward
Observing as I went
I slipped my hands
Into that band and-


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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 23, 2010 7:22 am

Target

A red dot ten feet away
Carved to a lonely board
I stand here
Stretching my bow
Balanced my arrow
Mind focused on my aim
To where the sharp edge should pierce through
That lovely red

The string cut through my skin
Left a faint pink scar
I observed the wind
To north or south it blew
And I released
All the pain and agony.

Plunk
My job is done…

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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 23, 2010 7:23 am

Peek-a-boo

Who’s hiding underneath those lies?
Me! I cried
The lonely girl in disguise

Who’s mind that was confused?
Me! I pouted
The depressed lady who was abused

Who’s crying in the dark?
Me! I shrieked
The girl who was accused a prick

Why everyone’s trying to blame everyone?
Because they’re taught so
And that’s the tradition they follow
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*~Dreamer~*
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 23, 2010 8:29 am

No issue on that. It's always a pleasure to help one out. I ain't much of a help I've realized, but it's good that it doesn't tick you off and stop you from writing. Not many people like others criticizing their work the way you do. Most of them just want the simple one-liner statements like 'it's pretty','it's wonderful', 'I loved it, etc. Those shallow irking lines. I just can't see any depth in those reviews.. wait are those even considered reviews? Reviews are critics, and critics are in-depth, serious, heart-felt comments on the write itself.

Patriotic -- Tell poem. This one's not very well done imo. It didn't really bring the reader in. I used really because i can feel a little, but not much. It's a little to surface. I liked the last line of the first stanza though, although it was a little long.
For the first stanza, i would suggest taking out 'left me screaming in vain' and instead, let it describe the whole image of what is happening. As in... Something that doesn't reflect what the person is doing. Because all of the rest of the lines describes what the bullet did to the person, but that third line tells the reader how the person reacted to it.

"The bullet embedded deeply in my chest
Cutting through my veins
Left me in screaming in vain
My clothes tainted by the red that was my blood
"

So from the above, I would suggest the following:

The bullet embedded deeply in my chest
cutting through my veins
clothes tainted by a crimson patch
my life slowly seeping away.


It isn't very good, but it's just a suggestion, something to spark some ideas.

Perfunctory kiss - I like this title... But being controlled and doing things automated... I think there's some difference between the two. being controlled means you are against it. perfunctory means you're either used to it or you can't care less. Well, yes, i read the note first (just a habit).

The first stanza was pretty, this, is a show stanza imo. The second stanza had a little bit of grammatical error. second line, "For there never was love to be bury". 'to be' should be followed by past tense, no? (that's what we're taught) Last two lines were awesome! I like the emotions behind that. Even though it is talking about robotic actions and loveless looks, but pain reflects off it ( of course, it's the pain of the speaker who is talking about marrying this guy who holds no love for her).

Great poem! Quite a lot of show in here imo.

Sleuthing -- this title gave everything away... The whole poem is just telling the reader what the person does. not very interesting imo. sorry if it's a little direct, but it just lacks the emotions, esp after reading the first two.


Target -- tell poem. I am very sure of this because after reading the first stanza and the last few lines, i know the gist of the whole poem.

Peek-a-boo - this sounds like a tell poem. it lacks emotions because it uses one line to describe everything. 'the lonely girl in disguise', 'the depressed lady who was abused', 'the girl who was accused a prick'. all these are too short, not enough to show what's behind everything.
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 23, 2010 8:40 am

awww...thanks a lot for everything! I'm stii trying to get a hang in it, haha. I wiill revise my poems and try to make it better, I hope after this I could do better though. Just gotta try harder:)

I always find words from the dictionary and hopefully I could get to make it sound...deeper. Anways, thanks for your comment and I gotta say my grammars are not that strong, past present tense is quite a problem for me, XD.

I'll update soon:)
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*~Dreamer~*
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Dec 23, 2010 9:04 am

Yeah i do notice that some of your words are rather deep, but i don't think using deep words are good. I think it is more commendable if you can write a poem with simple words that shows so much more. boombastic words are just a mask to cover up for the lack of skills for most writes (whether it's stories/ poetries or haikus)
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Dec 25, 2010 12:08 am

Thanks for the tip:) But normally I also use deep words so that it rhymes, I don't know, I tend to stick to rhyme-y poems....haha
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Dec 25, 2010 9:03 pm

I used to be like that too, but after awhile i got out of it.. maybe because i found it too much of a hassle so i didn't really bother.

I still do find synonyms sometimes (although not as often anymore) to make my poem look more profound.
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:27 am

I'll be sure to write more, but now I needed inspiration, haha.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:33 am

eh... it's impossible to have no inspiration. no inspiration is an inspiration itself. >< (I'm just lazy to write)
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:38 am

Haha, you have a point! But then I'm not lazy, all the ideas I had was about hmmm...

1. death (My friend's grandmother just passed away) which I already wrote about
2. sunset (I saw a beautiful sunset but I couldn't describe it, I'll just ruin the whole image)
3. social issues (I'm in no mood to write about the brutality of mankind, hahahah! jkjk, not the no mood part)
4. love (wrote tons of them and needed a fresh change)

That's all I could think about, >.<
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*~Dreamer~*
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Dec 27, 2010 7:14 am

i think i wrote about seasons before. how about giving that a spin?
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Dec 27, 2010 7:57 am

Seasons, well, I lived in the Asia continent, and near the equitorial line, so we hardly had any seasons here. The only 'seasons' I;ve experience are draught and stormy weather, haha.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Mon Dec 27, 2010 4:27 pm

Same here. I'm from south east asia. I mean, we can write about our impressions of seasons. Poetry is such a kind of art that you can express even the most common thing in a different light and making it a whole new thing.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Tue Dec 28, 2010 1:10 am

You don't have to be through it to know that feeling, just surf the net to find some pictures/ images about a certain season.
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:41 am

You've got a point. I guess I'll do just that.

I like what you said about poetry and I couldn't help but nod in agreement. Poetry is beautiful isn't it? How words so simple could meant so much. I just found an inspiration today. but I hoope I can transform them into words, haha. Wish me luck!
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:21 pm

I'm not going to wish you luck at it, it's your responsibility. D: < (jk ><)

Hurry and update Very Happy
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:57 am

LOL.....

Two souls, shattered by death,
Anguished in misery
Suffered through wrath
A forbidden secret they kept

So common they are
So attune they’d be
To each other’s cries
To each other they sympathy

Now they unite, bonded in life
Yet, a relationship they have
Go against every nature they’ve had
But what could they do? If fate brought them by?

They are one, a unity, a respected union, a sacred matrimony


This is actually one of my very first poems, I would say it's very ew but I want to know what you think, haha. I wanted to know if my writing did get better a little, XD If you know what I mean. Btw, I don't have a title for it, XD. I can't think of one!
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Dec 31, 2010 1:32 am

Oh lol. i thought you titled it 'LOL'. rofl.

Well this isn't too bad a poem. It's fast paced so it naturally intrigues the reader more than a slow poem. But I don't quite get the idea that you're trying to convey here. It sounds a little like romeo and juliet.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Dec 31, 2010 1:44 am

About that.. Actually you can't say improve or not. Because what you're writing on is a different topic that's one. And no matter how you write, whether you try to change, you'll improve. That's what I think because I saw myself improving through editing and writing. In fact, i don't think you can improve just by writing. I think you improve when you revise your work. No amount of new works can beat that of being able to strengthen the emotions you convey through the same old write. By revising, you SHOW yourself, you TEACH yourself how to do better, how to write a more engaging write.
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Dec 31, 2010 1:51 am

LOL....Haha, that would make a good title for a poem, XD

I guess in some way you are right, stop being so uptight! (scolding self) XD Right now I'm gonna take a break from poems and concentrate on my story more, but I was planning to write one for my story, something more like a poem in HON when Zoey is performing rituals. Any tips? I suppose it don't need complicated ways of conveying right?

Thanks btw:)
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