A Vampyre Legacy (a working title)

Subject: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Thu Jan 20, 2011 10:10 pm

So I'm working on a story right now. I haven't finished with the first part yet. But I thought I'd put some stuff about it on here and get some feedback. Tell me what you think...

A Vampyre Legacy
Set in Blackwell, Oklahoma in 2011

Isadora Cromwell (25)
Mix-Breed ~ Bottom of Social Hierarchy
Daughter of Silver Cromwell and Giles. Born in 1986

Silver Cromwell (48)
Witch ~ Lower of Social Hierarchy
Mother of Isadora and lover of Giles. Murdered by Kalabar. Born in 1963.

Giles (319)
Vampyre High Council ~ Norwella
Lover of Silver and father of Isadora. Born in 1692.

Damien (30/222)
Vampyre ~ Middle of Social Hierarchy
Lover of Isadora. Teaches her the ways of the Vampyre. Born in 1759 and turned (against his will by Kalabar) in 1789 (at the age of 30).

Kalabar (age unknown)
Myzorian ~ Outcast of Social Hierarchy
Former member of the Norwella until he turned a human (Damien) against his will. Murdered Silver Cromwell.

Janice Benoit (26)
Human ~ Lower of Social Hierarchy
Best friend of Isadora. Born in 1985.

Cordelia Silver Cromwell
Daughter of Isadora and Damien. Born in 2011.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vampyre Goddesses
-------------------

Donna
Mother of Amara and Annette

Annette
Oldest daughter of Donna. Turned evil after her younger sister was granted the privilege of being the mother of all Vampyres. Now whispers into the mind of all Myzorians to turn away from Amara.

Amara
Youngest daughter of Donna. Granted the privilege of being the mother of all Vampyres.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Social Hierarchy
---------------

Upper Class (High Council) - Norwella
Middle Class (Vampyres)
Lower Class (Humans/Witches)
Bottom Class (Mix-Breed)
Outcasts - Myzorian

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vampyre Traits
--------------

Skin - Abnormally pale and hard as diamond. Vampyre teeth are the only thing that can pierce it.

Eyes - Glow green when jealous, angry, and feeling lust.

Teeth - Hard as diamond. Come out when jealous angry, and feeling lust. When older can make them appear at will.

Non-Lethal
----------

Sunlight (sunburns and weakens)
Silver (weakens)
Wooden Stakes (if in the heart it weakens if not they can brush it off)
Crosses

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Religion
-------

All worship Donna and/or Amara
Myzorians worship Annette
Rituals are commonplace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vampyre Laws
-------------

1) Do not turn a witch/human against his/her will.

2) Do not associate with Myzorians.

3) Do not kill for any reason other than punishment as handed down by the Norwella.

4) Do not worship Annette.

5) Do not make yourself known to all humans.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other Tidbits
------------
Humans do not know about Witches or Vampyres. Those who do must keep quiet.

Witches know of Vampyres (and vice-versa). Relationships between the 2 are commonplace. Though any children born unto them are lower than all socially.

When a Vampyre reaches the age of 25 (either born or turned) they receive their first tattoo (the symbol of the Goddess Amara). Because their skin is so hard they needle must be diamond tipped. And because they heal so quickly and they don't scar the ink must have diamond shavings in it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well what do you guys think? Any questions or suggestions??

Subject: Re: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Thu Jan 20, 2011 10:16 pm

It's great!
I like all the terms you used for your vampyres and witches, especially the tattoo idea, it's absolutely unique and creative. And also the social hierachy had made me even more clear of your story and I admire your choice of names, I have no complains so far and I can't wait to read your first chapter!

Subject: Re: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Fri Jan 21, 2011 4:56 am

Actually, i'd prefer if you introduce them one by one as the story progresses. giving a list of names and personalities just bores (unless it's for a play). Plays need the character sheet because people would otherwise not understand the play at all because the characters' personality cannot be fully comprehend with just what they say. many a times, it requires the descriptions and actions that they do that form the whole character, rather that makes the character come to life.

or maybe you could give a prologue introducing some of them?

Character sheets don't really appeal to most readers, unless you place it at the end of the story, under the annex.

Subject: Re: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:17 pm

Oh the list has nothing to do with how I'm going to write the story. The characters will still be introduced in the story. Just the first post is something I write for myself to get all my ideas down on paper for the current book I'm working on. I just thought I'd let others in on my ideas and help me out with any suggestions for future chapters.

Ok warning I'm about to double post here Because *drumroll* I've finished Chapter 1!! lol. It's kinda short but remember that it's a work in progress. If you have comments feel free to leave them. Thank guys!

Subject: Re: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:20 pm

Chapter 1 - Birthday Surprise

She awoke to the sun shining brightly through her curtains. She rolled over in disgust. Another year come and gone. She tried to go back to sleep but she couldn’t. With a groan she rolled out of bed and headed to the bathroom.

The person staring back at her didn’t look any different now than she had over the past three years. Shoulder length, straight black hair with natural purple streaks (which most thought was her way of trying to rebel), baby blue eyes, and a smooth pale complexion. With a sigh, she ran her hand through her hair and turned to go downstairs.

Halfway down, the doorbell rang, and she ran the rest of the way.

“Coming!”

She opened the door and a short woman with graying hair smiled at her.

“Merry Meet, my daughter.”

“Merry Meet, mother,” she said before giving her a big hug.

She invited her inside, and after grabbing a soda for herself, she plopped down on the couch.

“Happy Birthday, Isadora,” the woman stated with a smile as she handed over a box wrapped in purple paper.

“Aw, mom, you really didn’t have to do this,” Isadora said as she took box and set down her drink.

She undid the black ribbon and opened the box. Inside was a large black leather bound book. Engraved on the front in silver were the words Isadora Cromwell.

“Oh, mom, it’s beautiful!” She said as she took it out carefully. She opened the book and ran her hand across the beautifully hand-made ivory paper. It took her a second to realize that her mom had written something on the inside cover.

My dear Isadora,

Today is your twenty-fifth year on this Earth. Every day, I thank the Goddess Donna for giving you to me. I give you today this book. Your very own Book of Shadows. Protect it and it will protect you.

Love,
Your mother
Silver Cromwell

With a tear in her eye, she hugged her mom tightly.

“Mom, it’s perfect. Thank you.”

“Yes, it is quite beautiful, Silver.”

Jumping up from her seated position, Isadora glared at the man who had suddenly appeared in her living room.

“Who the hell are you?” Isadora growled.

He raised a black eyebrow at her before turning to her mom.

“Silver, why didn’t you tell her?” he asked her, in an accent she couldn’t quite place. Egyptian? Not likely. English? Maybe.

“I didn’t want this for her, Giles. Why are you here?”

“I believe I have a right to see my daughter on her birthday.”

Daughter? Isadora thought before she fell back onto the couch as her jaw dropped.

“Damnit, Giles! I never wanted her to know!” Silver yelled. Her face becoming flushed.

“She has a right to know what’s coursing through her veins, my dear Silver.” This guy must have had balls of steel to stand up to her mother when she was this angry.

Finally finding her voice, Isadora stood once again. “Who are you? And don’t lie to me.”

“I am Giles. Former lover of Silver Cromwell and father of Isadora Cromwell. Is there anything else? Hmm let me think. What was it? Oh yes. I’m a Vampyre.”

“Vampyre? There’s no such thing. Yeah, okay maybe you had a relationship with my mother, but you are NOT my father,” she ended with a yell.

“Look at me, and know the truth,” he said as he took a step forward and let his hands, that had previously been crossed across his chest, fall to his sides.

His eyes were brown. No resemblance there. Roughly 6 foot tall. Ok that could be a coincidence. Hair…

“Is your hair natural?” she asked with a hopeful look.

“Oh, the purple? Yes, it is quite natural.”

Her face fell. “You…you really are… my father?”

She turned to face her mom. Silver was sitting on the couch with her head in her hands.

Isadora sat back down and tried to collect her thoughts.

“Silver, you must listen to me,” Giles said as he sat on the coffee table in front of her.

They both looked up at him, and Silver cleared her throat before asking what.

“Kalabar is back.”

Silver’s face fell, and a look of worry, anger, and disgust crossed her face.

“Who’s Kalabar?” Isadora asked after a few minutes of tense silence.

“Kalabar is an ancient Vampyre,” Giles stated matter-of-factly.

“Ok?”

Her mom turned to her with a somber look.

“He’s a murderer,” Giles stated again.

“Ok? And what does this have to do with my mother?”

Silver turned away once again. She sighed and stated, “He wants to kill me.”

Subject: Re: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Sat Jan 22, 2011 12:08 am

I may be a terrible writer, but i'm definitely a nit-picky reader ><

It was a pretty engaging read, but things are going way too fast. You're probably going to go into the details of the history of the vampyres in the next chapter. and then in the following, describe the process of Isadora acquiring/ practicing her skills. and then the encounter with the evil guy. and ta-da, someone dies and the story ends with either side winning or losing. It won't last even 20 chapters. I think maybe you could have him come in. But say something else. I would suggest you just try to solve this conflict slower. It makes it a little difficult to comprehend as it's illogical. Just agreeing because of hair? erm... that's a little unlikely. maybe eye colour... and some other distinct features? hair can be dyed and furthermore, humans can lie, needless to say, vampyres. So hair colour isn't quite a reliable choice for characteristics of parent and child.

In the following paragraphs, i'm going to be really direct, in other words, mean and insensitive. So yeah, a word of warning so that if you cannot bare the pain, please do not read it. Not that you're living in your own little make-belief, but just that wait until you're stronger to read them. well.. I sort of learnt to be so direct from fictionpress. People would prefer direct comments and yeah, big no-no to one-liner reviews.

Some other things to point out:
Paragraph 1: she awoke -- it should be 'woke'.
The words in italics: Another year HAS cAme and gone
Jumping up from her seated position, Isadora glared at the man who had suddenly appeared in her living room. Idk, but for me, when i first read this line, i thought it was her father. I don't know either, whether if it's good or not to have this kind of conflicts.
Writes should not include coarse or explicit materials, unless it is meant for adults.--- 'balls of steel'
Alright, most people when they read, it's fine, but it isn't if a parent picks it up for his/her child. such kind of words are normally under the censored category for parents. so you may loose out if you're planning to get it published.
'who are you? and don't lie to me' -- not convincing. In fact, it feels so plain and emotionless, people find it lamentable.
Another part which may seem more comical than emotional is the line where by Isadora ended with a yell.

I realize that you've quite a bit of grammar errors (something that i have too. I can pick them out when I read, but tend to overlooking when i'm writing.)

One thing though, I like the names. Very unique. Catchy I would say. Isadora. And most of all, Silver. I think Silver is a really cool name to use. It really gives the image of the person. Maybe it isn't as to what i imagine, could well be opposite, but well... you didn't explain how her mother looked like so yeah, imagination. But a pretty lady! ><

Best of luck!
~Ger.

Subject: Re: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Sun Jan 23, 2011 10:42 pm

Thanks for the indept critique. I just felt that, as the author, I should point out a few things.

*~Dreamer~* wrote:: It was a pretty engaging read, but things are going way too fast. You're probably going to go into the details of the history of the vampyres in the next chapter. and then in the following, describe the process of Isadora acquiring/ practicing her skills. and then the encounter with the evil guy. and ta-da, someone dies and the story ends with either side winning or losing. It won't last even 20 chapters.

You seem to have forgotten about Damien. The Vampyre that Isadora falls in love with. The next chapter will not just be about the history of Vampyres.
Spoiler:
Add the fact that I've never been a real straight-forward writer. I like to flesh things out a bit. Go into great detail. Things like that. So this book will not be a short read that will have people finishing it in 20 minutes and wishing they'd never picked it up to begin with.

*~Dreamer~* wrote:: I would suggest you just try to solve this conflict slower. It makes it a little difficult to comprehend as it's illogical. Just agreeing because of hair? erm... that's a little unlikely. maybe eye colour... and some other distinct features? hair can be dyed and furthermore, humans can lie, needless to say, vampyres. So hair colour isn't quite a reliable choice for characteristics of parent and child.

I do agree with you on this. I just really wanted to get the first chapter up and ready to be read. I will be rewriting it to change a few things. Especially this part. I know that hair is not a good indicator of your parents. But as it said already Giles has brown eyes. Isadora's are baby blue. And I haven't described Silver yet. Though I might when I rewrite the chapter.

*~Dreamer~* wrote:: The words in italics: Another year HAS cAme and gone

All things in italics will be thoughts going through Isadora's mind or things that she is reading to herself (i.e. the note from her mother). If you were thinking about a year having passed would you think to yourself "Another year has came and gone" or "Another year come and gone"? I just felt the second sounded much more like what someone would actually think.

*~Dreamer~* wrote:: Writes should not include coarse or explicit materials, unless it is meant for adults.--- 'balls of steel'
Alright, most people when they read, it's fine, but it isn't if a parent picks it up for his/her child. such kind of words are normally under the censored category for parents. so you may loose out if you're planning to get it published.

Ok I will admit that this mistake was mine. I mentioned to natshane that this will contain some heavy romance and therefore meant for older teens and adults. And I take full responsibility for failing to mention this in any previous post in this topic. To mention now so that no one is offended: This book will be rated R. I can't physically stop anyone underage from reading it. But please let all be warned that there will be some harsh language and explicit scenes. However when I post a truly explicit scene. I will use the Spoiler. So you will have the choice to skip over it if you wish.

As to the other things that you mentioned: You and I have something in common. When reading grammar errors look to be written in neon flashing colors but when writing they're just so darned hard to pick out. And don't worry. Silver will be described soon enough. (Well not completely described. I want my readers to feel that they can picture someone playing the part of the characters.)

Thanks again for the critique. You made me feel like I was in my Honors English class again. Don't get me wrong though. I loved that class. I will let you know when I've made the changes to the first chapter.

Subject: Re: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Mon Jan 24, 2011 3:43 am

About the italic words, i was just thinking it as logical flow. because it is just not sound when i read a year come and gone. It just gets me rereading it, like there's just something that i cannot comprehend within you know.. like there's just something not right about the sentence structure.

Rather, how about changing the words instead? Like maybe...
'I've lived through another 365 days' or something like that instead of that line you're using? Because that line seems more like a tell line than a emotive line. I know where you're coming from, so if you think that that line is better, keep it.

the part with the spoiler. Okay, not to discourage you in your write, but it would be tough trying to get all those pieced together, sounding both coherent and engaging.

I do understand what you mean, I did nanowrimo so I know the eagerness to complete it, the eagerness to have it up.

Oh lol. I'm not that good. I'm just a lousy writer with a load of critics. I can criticize on anything i read or write. It's just like a part of me. Instincts, natural inclinations. ><

Thanks for not being offended.

Subject: Re: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Mon Jan 24, 2011 3:46 am

Just one more thing to add: I personally do not think that such a story should be r rated, simply because you're closing off certain reader groups, which narrows your ability to influence the world through your write. (IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE PLANNING TO DO ><)

Subject: Re: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Tue Jan 25, 2011 3:03 am

Actually I'm not really "planning" on doing anything. Just everything I write comes out R rated. I can write other things. But my passion lies in all things romance. i.e. doin the dirty (don't wanna get any more vulgur than that). Besides, an R rating will not stop someone from reading the story, if they truly want to read it that is.

I understand that some parents are iffy when it comes to letting their children read anything R rated. And I get it. Just all the people I grew up with, if they wanted to read somehting they read it. Especially now-a-days with the internet and everything it's really easy to find something that you know would make your parents have a heart attack if they even thought you were reading something like that.

As to the italicized words. How about Great 25 years down, who knows how many to go or I could simply add words after the thought and change it around a bit (i.e. Another year come and gone she thought before rolling over in disgust.)

I have re-read what I placed in the spoiler. And though I see where you are coming from. I'm also reminded that J.K. Rowling (a great writer) was told this same thing about the flow of some of her HP books. She took some advice in consideration but left most of it the way it was. And the series is one of the top best-sellers.

Oh, I don't really get offended easily. It takes a lot to really get me PO'd. Thanks again!

Subject: Re: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Thu Jan 27, 2011 6:55 am

Hello Ger and Wayward!

First of all, let me apologize for coming on so late, I would've read it sooner but because of school, my time to surf the net would be limited, so once again I'm sorry if I'm late in responding or reading the chapters:)

Now, I've read all of your comments and I do agree on those points, but when I first read it, I loved it straightaway. Yes, as Ger stated out, things were moving kind of fast, so my suggestion is that, maybe you could change the title 'Chapter 1' to Prologue? I think it would be more suitable for the writing, if it would not offend:) But if you're planning to rewrite, then I'll be there to read it again, haha.

The whole plot is captivating, and already you left us with a cliifhanger 'He wants to kill me'...I found stories which were written in such sense attracts me so;) I love cliffhangers, hehe. As for the useage of vulgar words, I don't mind really as I'm quite exposed to those kind of words, and um....actions (in a joking kind of way) Well, my friends are sort of....crazy in that sense, but they can't help it, we're teens, XDD But I think it's a good thing if you would warn us beforehand (with the SPOILERS sign). And wayward, I'm up for some romance! My fav genre is romance + actions, so yeah, this is one of the books I would definitely pick out. Smile

By the way, I picture Silver as Nyx. When I read 'a short woman with graying hair smiled at her', the first image that popped into my mind was HON's Nyx, I know they didn't bear the same resemblance, but the name Silver had me imagining someone pure, someone elegant, someone in command and powerful, so yeah, I thought of Nyx, haha. And I did told you before that I love your choice of names, didn't I? Haha.

Honestly, I love your chapter 1 eventhough it's short and couldn't wait for the next. (Told you I suck at critisizing, ;p) but I really feel so. I'm not good in detecting grammar errors so I leave that to Ger, if it won't offend, haha. But I'll definitely help out if I did come across one;)

Good Luck Writing Wayward!

Subject: Re: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Thu Jan 27, 2011 5:21 pm

No problem on being late reading it, hun. I understand. I've gotten so used to saying to my husband "Oh it's Thursday! I'm gonna get online and see if natshane is on." lol.

You don't suck at critique's hun. And actually I didn't think of Silver being like Nyx. But now that you mention it. I see it. Wow go me! lol well I'm putting off writing the second chapter so I can rewrite the first. Hopefully get it up to "code" so to speak lol. I'll let you both know when I have edited the first chapter so you guys can read it.

Thanks again for the critiques.

Subject: Re: A Vampyre Legacy (a working title) Fri Jan 28, 2011 4:32 am

ehh..just a suggestion: do up the whole story before you come back to editing it.

Trust me, ik how it is like to edit. tiring, tests patience. You'd have read that same chapter so many times when you edit, till you get bored of it. Practically sick and tired of it. And at one point of time you'll want to give up (and if np one's there to support you, you'll just throw it aside). But you'll come back to it again after a few mths. Just a break i mean. But if you don't want to take such a long break, i'd STRONGLY encourage you to finish your whole story before you edit. You can just make notations at the side of your work (about places we've pointed out) and move on with the next chapter. As you progress through the novel, you'll realize you'll want to change the story around one way or another. so yeah, it's not really of much use to try and edit it so much right now. get at least to half way of the story before thinking about editing or you may just waste time editing.

Just a story (my experience to be exact):
I used to write two other stories: 'empty notepad' and 'the gathering'.
The first that i stopped was the gathering. Guess what I did? I simply stopped after the first chapter because of so many negative critiques and edited until 'perfection'. But by the time I was done with chapter 1, i was so worn out with the amount of effort i've put in to get together one chapter, that i gave up writing the rest.
'empty notepad'. for this story, i took on a different approach. i wrote about eight chapters before i shared them around, and people liked it. and so i 2 times of editing (lucky for me for this story that it's only twice) and i moved on with the chapters. But when i reached the middle of the story (about chapter 18/19), i realized, 'oh no! this is so boring! i've to change the story around, blah blah blah... missing this, add this, and have this... etc'
And I changed the whole story around. and ta-da, wasted the time i've spent editing my work. (yes, twice only. but it's still time)