My Dear Diary

Diary From 11 Months Ago:
Of Course I Totally Knew That

I moved recently...
I left *EVERYTHING*!
Seriously...
Everything...
School, friends, dreams, hopes...BLAH BLAH BLAH
*btw I still have that song in my head*
But I did it to protect someone I love...
It all started one weekend: (cue black and white)

My mom went crazy and told me she was gonna make me stand out there (with a bunch of other people that she doesn't like) and blow her head off...Because I was reading a book...When she wanted me to get dressed, *WHICH she never told me*

So she went outside with a beer and started talking to herself...In a lawn chair...In the front yard.
Well, I was freaking out...I had no idea what to do...
I was home alone with a person have a mental and physical breakdown...What should I do?
I called my aunt (one of the closest people to her) and gave her the lowdown...
She said she'd call back and *happen* to call at the right time...
It worked...
But I started to think...A couple of nights before...Mom said the only reason she was here was to wait the few years I had @ school and ship me off to college...Then, she'd leave...
But she was obviously crazy now...And I didn't think she could hold on any longer...
*So I left*

The advice from friends and family was (btw I never told anyone about that except my aunt)
do what's right for you...
*ouch*
They thought I left for me
*x2 ouch*
But maybe it would be best for me, I thought...
Maybe if I leave, my mom *won't* try to kill her or me...And I won't go crazy looking out for her...
But it got really hard to keep telling myself that...
Why?
"Katie, I love you! You're my world! Why did you leave? You're ruining your education!?!? Come back!"
BLAH BLAH BLAH (The Ke$ha irony, huh?)
And it was hard to tell her no.
The worst part was...
she was right.
I was ruining my life...I went to the best school in the state...
Now I go to the worst...
In the middle of a nowhere incest holler (hollow)...
I'm stuck there...
It's been a month...
And the kids there are brats...
But some of my family goes there...
So I get to see them...
It's not the end of the world...
I guess...
Just the end of mine.
For someone who went crazy...Told me she was gonna kill herself because of me...
Told me
I was stupid
I wasn't going to amount to anything...
I had no "common sense"...
So thank the Lord I had "book smarts"...
Told me all these awful things...
Knocked me down repeatedly...
Yet she was my mother...
Yet I still loved her...
Yet I still love her...
No matter how she looks at me, even how she looks at me now...
Even though I have nothing...
Because I had to protect her, I did the right thing...
Didn't I?

Of Course I Totally Knew That:

I did the right thing....
Or Maybe I don't

Dear Diary:

Everything is slowly putting itself back together. Except for the fact thta I can't go back. I visit Mom's on the weekend, and we both put on fake smiles. But one day they'll be real...
Well, her's will be. I mean, that's kinda the reason I moved in the first place.
I hate awkward things. I really do. They make me extremely sivk to my stomach. They make me want to barf on someone. Ha!
But I won't. I'll just smile and wave like nothing's wrong. Eventually it'll go away, right?
Yesterday I was told, "You are outwardly extroverted, but inwardly introverted. You have secrets, girl, and You hide them by acting as though you tell the world everything."
That's weird, huh?
I wonder if I am...I'm a very outgoing person though. And I'm not very shy.
So, is she really right?
Maybe she is...Maybe she's just spouting off crap...I don't really understand...

Of Course I Totally Knew That:

My hair looks cool with long fringe

Dear Diary:

Maybe I'm just being a drama queen. I mean, seriously.
Why in the world should I get all my-life-is-totally-ruined, just because I moved?
But I think the whole impact of the fact that my mom told me she'd "blow": her "head off in the front yard" (instead of 'her' she said 'my')...
But it's so draining. I find myself thinking that maybe I should've stayed to keep an eye on her. But this has to be the best chance I've got. It will give her the opportunity to leave her personal hell and my personal heaven.
Isn't it funny how the whole walk-a-mile-in-each-other's-shoes thing really is true?
Different people look at each situation in a different light. It's kinda cool.
It's also kinda depressing...hmmm...I should become a philosopher.
lol

Of Course I Totally Knew That:
I SHOULDN'T become a philosopher...Since I just think about what other people have already thought of...

Dear Diary:

My new school is just absolutely ridiculous!
These kids are...scary. And I'm related to everyone (distantly lol)...But that's incest holler (hollow) for ya.
But seriously. We're playing Monopoly (yes, Monopoly) and this Braxton kid comes up and sits beside me. He starts to play with us. Then, the idiot tries to feel me up...In front of everyone! And I was like oh no you just didn't.
Then, he tries to be all lovey-dovey and hold my hand and lay one me and stuff...And I've never had all full conversation with him!
Today, he gets the nerve to ask me to PROM!
I was like, "No. You're a weirdo stalker."
I still haven't scared him off yet.
And the only reason all these boys like me is because I'm new. Something new to just play with and through away...
*ugh-ness*
I still have Blah-Blah-Blah in my head.
Of course I'm not completely alone!! *sorta*
This Brandon dude and this Caitlin girl and this other Katrina girl lemme hang with 'em...But it's still awkward.
I'm not comfortable around these people. It feels like every single thing I do is monitored. And it's seriously gettin' on my nerves.
Everybody already has their BFF's. There is no space for a newbie...And it sucks...Utterly *like a moo-moo cow*
I had my old friends and I could be my crazy-self. Here I step the littlest bit out of line and everybody just focuses their laser eyes on me...
IT'S SOOOO FRUSTRATING!
And I'm loosing contact with my friends...They're slowly drifting and I'm the only one who's trying to tie back those bonds.
They're just like we-miss-you-come-back-the-end.
No, are you doing okay's or I hear you're having trouble...
And I clearly voice my opinion...But they couldn't do anything anyway...And I'm the only one who seems to realize that...
but I miss them!
I hate loving people! I hate it soo much! Why do I have to give everything up for her?!?!? My friends my education! Everything!
But I didn't.
I don't.
She didn't ask...Well, in a way, she did. The look in her eyes. The crying, the suicide, everything...
And just like my friends...There is nothing I can do except leave...Just like they're leaving me.

Of Course I Totally Knew That:

This wouldn't be easy...

Dear Diary:

Socrates and Plato. Plato and Aristotle. And I can't recall Aristotle's favourite student...I used to know, but I haven't studied in sooooo long. Do you know how long it took me to beat Yasmin!?...And it only happened once. It won't ever happen again, now that I'm here, but still. I studied day and night day and night in class out of class flash card flash card...and now it's all gone. The irony. The one thing I worked so hard for is gone. In a blink of an eye, I feel like I'm in Flowers for Algernon or something lol...It's so weird. I can't even name my newbery's anymore. My newbery's. The easiest to remember...I find myself from time to time reminding myself to stop sitting around and study. And realize that I don't have to anymore. It's weird lol

Of Course I Totally Knew That:

This is pretty useless. I just want to complain.

Dear Diary:

As the days passed, I found myself admitting to Mom why I left. But only because she looked like she was drunk and was gonna kill me if I didn't.
I immediately wanted to beat myself to death and burst into tears and laugh (maniacally, of course) at the same time.
I think I may be neurotic.
She...You should've seen her face. I think I died a bit that day. And, for once, I'm not being dramatic.
I should've never told her.
I screamed it over and over in my head. And usually a hint of emotion shows on my face during times like those. But my face was stone cold...I could feel it. And so I sat their grilling myself inside, but acting like I didn't care that she broke down in tears as she register.
She told me she never would forgive herself. she said it again...again...again...again...again. Shaking her head, snotting all over the place...again...again...again.
And their I sat, eating a bag of friggin' Lays. Crunch. Sob. I'll never forgive myself. Sob. Crunch.
Over and over. Again and again.
"I'm so sorry."
She said that a lot, too. And so did I. I screamed it actually...
In my head.
While I watched.
As I hurt her.
Again...again...agian...over...over...over...and over again.
"Because of my lifestyle," she says. "you have never been able to have a childhood."
That seems to be what everyone tells me. You act too grown up. Enjoy your childhood like you should.
And I did. When it was available. But a child grows up thinking, "My parents are invincible." And they protect the child. But one day, they will show weakness. Then, the child should step forward and protect them...Return the favor. Show them you love them.
You hate me don't you. That's what she said when I first left.
Don't touch me.
Kirb *Stepdad* said, "I can't believe you are doing this."
His face...it was an awful face. I can see it. It haunts me. It showed...disgust. Hatred.
I shake when I think about it. My teeth; they chatter.
Mom...That day I told her the truth. She said, "That was useless. I still can't afford to live on my own. Come back."
I won't.
I promised I wouldn't...
So, I can't...
I can't hurt Jeremy again...
My stepbrother is the only one I have. Once I moved up here, he started talking to me more. Like he used to before I moved sooo long ago...But, will it even last?
My chest hurts...It feels like there is someone sitting on top of me. Staring at me and laughing at my pain...
Making it worse.
Of Course I Totally Knew That:
I'm absolutely crazy...Neurotic, at the least. I have had way too many breakdowns not to be...At least they aren't in front of people.

Dear Diary:

It's summer btw.
I went to Mom's blah blah blah
We went to Disneyworld to celebrate my stepbro, Kirby II's 18th bday/graduation.
It was miserable. I decided: It his day he should decide where we go.
So when they asked, I politely declined...
We were sitting in the shade, while plotting our next stop. I was contently playing with my fan by spinning it round and around with my finger.
They ask me if there is anywhere I want to go.
I say, No, I'm fine, ask the K-double. I'm sure he has somewhere.
Mom flips out.
You are not doing this, she says. You are not ruining our vacation, she says.
WTC!??! Random turtle moment much?? All over the place.
And my anger did show on my face...
HOW DARE SHE!?!?
Our first day here and she's already stirring up the drama.
She says, If you are going to act like that right now, I will take you back to the hotel, where you can stay. I'm gonna enjoy myself.
And I was sooooo mad. I felt hot tears roll down my face. So I quickly put on my sunglasses so she wouldnt notice.
This continued throughout the trip. In the pictures we took. I can tell if I was happy oy not. Glasses/Sunglasses on = I was crying
Off = Happy Days
That was the worst 5 days of my life.
She constantly snapped at me throught the trip.
And in the back my mind, every sharp word she said. I would recall her shaking saying i'm sorry. I'll never forgive myself. over and over and over again and again.
And the guilt I had felt. The awful guilt...
Who was she to do that to ME!?!?
My mom?
The one who loves and shelters me.
It feels like she is beating me to death everytime she says something mean.
Is she playing with me? I don't understand her logic. Don't you repent and try to make it up to someone when you'll "never forgive" yourself for what you did to them?
Obviously, not in Mom's world.

Of Course I Totally Knew That:

I shouldn't have told her...She wouldn't understand anyway.