Trying my luck at poems....

Just use that line i've pointed out then?

A show line evokes emotions. A tell line doesn't .

Like for example,
I am hurt vs Sorrow (being specific about what aspect of 'hurt' you're referring to) carved yet deeper into my heart. (emotional effect) Desperate as logic was, my brain whirled till my soul was too tired to feel the agonizing grief. (mental effect).

Basically, showing takes more lines and more descriptions. It's usually the descriptions which makes your poems/ stories come alive. telling is just stating what you felt or what you did or what you thought. showing is describing HOW you felt, HOW you did (whatever you did to try and make things better/ take revenge), and gives a proper how ending.

instead of 'I walked forlornly out of the room', a show will go 'and so my forlorn footsteps, in pace with my broken heart, left the room soundlessly.

I know I'm terrible at explaining. That's really the best I could do. Sorry.

No, I think you did a great explanation, thanks! I HOPE that my next poems would be better, I'm out of inspirations now, haha. Thanks for the lesson!

Optimism isn't really my type of poetry, but it was beautiful. I can see how you're trying to show and not tell. Personification and all that... Good try. It's still not very strong yet, but i'm sure you'll improve in time to come. Mine aren't very good either, but it's practice that makes you improve.

I like the second best.... I think it's really really good. As in the emotions packed in it. especially the last stanza. I loved that last stanza... I don't know how to explain, the truth in the make-belief... like a... a.... paradox. It just rings so true...ARGHHHHH. forget it. I don't know how to explain it DDDD: I'll come back to you when i find the phrase/word/ line/ sentence/ stanza/ poem/ paragraph/ story/ novel/ quote/etc to explain ><

You mean the poem Butterflies? I was listening to a song Butterflies and I really felt free, like I'm imagining myself playing with them, maybe that's why I had more tell lines than action lines, haha. Thanks by the way, that was my first poem after I knew how to differentitate between tell and action lines, so sorry if it sucked, XD. And you're right, practise makes perfect.

Why thank you:) I hope I finally had the hang of it, I like this poem the best also, not just because I have a sense of accomplishment, but because this is actually what I felt and I;m glad that I could potray it properly. Thanks for the comment (although you didn't think of the words, haha:))

Stoic：Too many 'I's. I'm repetition sensitive (terribly so). Maybe that's also why it loses the 'show' effect.
Rather, maybe just popping in one or two in the whole poem is good enough.

Unmerciful: I think this is a very powerful descriptive poem. Somehow it still feels very much like a tell poem. The first part is quite much of a tell... the last two stanzas is more 'show'-ish. ><

Love the last poem the most -- Unmerciful. thumbs up x3

Thanks! I'm still kind of hung up between those two (tell and action) lines, if you noticed, haha. A good poem is extremely difficult to prodce. Anyway, I just finished reading a book and I think inspirations are coming to me, I hope I don't screw this one because I really felt connected to the book and I really understand the narrator's POV.

Thirteen Reasons Why (retry)

Inevitable
The treatment I received
Was it because of me?
Or because they couldn’t find their own release?
To harassed a being
Till it drove them to the brink of insanity.

Insignificant
The choices they’ve made
The impact it has
On me, the victim
When they pleased themselves
With the laughter of mockery

Insatiable
Their needs to torment me
Pierced me with venomous words
And inconsiderate actions
That mounted up to form crushing pressure
Once again, on me.

Fed up
That had lead me
To make the decision to end my life
For I had grown tired with the teasing
That accompanied me
For a very long time.

~it may have lots of tell lines, but this is what I felt when I read the book, Thirteen Reasons Why, so sorry if it's bad, haha.

True, true. They are really difficult to write...I seldom write good poems too. My inspirations... I don't know. I seldom have extreme emotions. It's mostly just certain specific thoughts that i form into these lines. They don't really stand out as well.

Of course we don't wish to fail or screw up anything we do, but it's from screwing up that we learn the most. Really, from what people say or the mistakes they make, you will never learn as much as you do when you make the mistakes yourself.

all the best!

I'll update again... currently not having any inspirations... more like don't have any energy left to do anymore... We are mostly drained from all the lessons and work we're given.

Yes, I do believe that practise makes perfect, haha. I had been writing poems since beginning of this year and honestly before that I hadn't even thought about it. I'm glad that is didn't suck so bad but hope it suck as well because at least i know where I went wrong.

I'm constantly surrounded by inspiration but it wonders me how I could lose them some times, haha. I always observe what people are doing and try to experience it myself, or if someone did something to me, I would try to channel my thoughts and feelings into a poem about someone else as the character, but in truth it's me.

All the best for you too! Hope you could update your poem soon, but don't worry, no pressure:) Good poems takes time:)

Well you're active. I am not actively writing anything atm. Maybe when i'm back. I'll post them up on fictionpress if i can. don't have much time now to write and post.

Haha, inspirations are hitting me so I gotta write before I lose them. It's okay though:) Hope I can read your soon:) All the best!

Yeap, I'll write some nice ones real soon ((:

nice reiteration, but this is a tell poem. you are telling the reader too much. Maybe just writing the notes .

Gah! I can never differentiate those two! Just when I started to think I get the hang of it >.<

It's not easy. I was just lucky to have a flying start. I can differentiate the two, but can't explain their differences.

I don't have lit class here, the most lit thing I've ever done is read about poems but never analyse the writing, instead we analyse the meaning, so it's hard for me to grasp the idea. I'll keep writing and keep trying:)

Same here, it's just that... idk? I guess i was just born with it. I never really trained much, just keep writing. but yeah, we do analyzing of poetry over at my country. We just read poems by deceased poets and we are graded on what they were trying to tell and other blahs of the poem... the literary devices etc.

I think I could differentiate it a liitle, so correct me if I'm wrong.

Action lines:
His fingers danced through the keys
Ballad through the unstained perfection
The serenity bubble
Of the calming ambience he was whelmed in

Tell lines:
The symphony orchestrated
Portrayed a lonely soul
Entangled in a bundle of mess
Trapped in a deadly spiral net

Is it right?? LOL