| Trying my luck at poems.... | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Trying my luck at poems.... Thu Jul 22, 2010 7:40 am | |
| I've been writing poems for a while and posting it on other sites, but I would really like to share it with you guys:) So here's my first:) Fear My reflection wouldn’t leave me alone Where I go she goes along How could I abandon my shadow? For it contains my deepest darkest sorrow… Fear for my past she carries with her As hard as I tried to forget I remember Echoes of the past tormenting me still Is there a cure for self-loathing..hate? I wish for the sun to rise again A New light signifying a new life But all that’s left is just a new moon All trace of bright dissolve into nothingness Now I wander around the dark Searching for a destination, a rational intention With the heavy burden strapped tightly on my back I walked through miles to get my hope back….. | |
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*~Dreamer~* Losing Two Friends
Join date : 2009-06-16 Location : somewhere behind a computer screen ><
Character sheet Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right) Age: 18/15 Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sat Sep 25, 2010 8:42 am | |
| Mind if you post up the link to your other sites where you have your poems up? I'd like to check them out. I prefer reading more from the same writer/author/ poet before commenting on any of the writes. That way, I have a better idea of the style of the writer/author/ poem. Thanks a lot and sorry for the trouble (: | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Thu Sep 30, 2010 7:24 am | |
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*~Dreamer~* Losing Two Friends
Join date : 2009-06-16 Location : somewhere behind a computer screen ><
Character sheet Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right) Age: 18/15 Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sun Oct 03, 2010 4:58 am | |
| Good that you've someone with the same interest.
Just wondering, how long have you been writing poems? And... Did you arrive at poetry after trying out other forms of art like novels/short stories and quotes? (It's okay if you find it personal and don't wish to answer it. I'm just curious) | |
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*~Dreamer~* Losing Two Friends
Join date : 2009-06-16 Location : somewhere behind a computer screen ><
Character sheet Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right) Age: 18/15 Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sun Oct 03, 2010 5:03 am | |
| Also, do post more up. I'll review them when I'm back (:
Fear is a good piece of write. It describes the nature of fear, the effects of fear. All the imageries, the effects of the imageries (: I like!
I love the second stanza most. Resonates a sense of familiarity, a voice of understood but unheard truth.
'Is there a cure for self-loath' That was my favourite.
To me, you seem like an experienced poet (that was why I asked how long you've been writing poetry).
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sat Oct 09, 2010 6:36 am | |
| Actually fear is one of my very first poems, I wrote poetry before I start writing stories, at first it was something from here and there, but there are some which I really connect to somehow. For you to say that I am an experienced poet, well that's flattering, haha. But still, sometimes I felt as if I'm blabbering a lot XD. I love wrting them because they express my feelings, I normally write them when I'm feeling emotional, and I guess that's my biggest inspiration Are you a poet as well?? And I would definitely post more poems which I think is good:) Thank you for reviewing them! | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sat Oct 09, 2010 6:42 am | |
| Fakeness
Life is hard yet living is harder Dreams are sweet but reality is bitter The world is deceitful and fraudulent Living a life where genuine is not present
I’m masked, as a bubbly clown Emotions are buried deep underground A tomb for the loss of who I once am For the incompetent part of me that’s not daring to withstand The ferocious human nature of the world…
Jealousy, pride, power, on top of all lies… I fear most the betrayal altogether Save me from humanity I begged Because it’s too good to be real, I said…
Well, what do you think of this poem?? It's kinda 'stuck' I would say, haha... | |
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*~Dreamer~* Losing Two Friends
Join date : 2009-06-16 Location : somewhere behind a computer screen ><
Character sheet Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right) Age: 18/15 Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sat Oct 09, 2010 7:01 am | |
| Yup, My thread is the one titled 'forever forgotten thread' (well it has always been forgotten since when I started posting poems on any site, other than fictionpress).
This feels a little distorted, emotionally distorted to be more precise. The form is a little haywired, so are the pauses and break. It feels like the fear is instilled quite deep into you huh?
I like the second stanza most, especially for the tomb. I imagine the tombstone on a mountain XD so cool. I like! | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sat Oct 09, 2010 7:08 am | |
| That is exactly how I feel about this poem, emotionally distorted! That's the problem with this one, haha. I love the tomb stanza too, and I was imagining an open space when I wrote this one, like there's only one tomb and not many. Haha! | |
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*~Dreamer~* Losing Two Friends
Join date : 2009-06-16 Location : somewhere behind a computer screen ><
Character sheet Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right) Age: 18/15 Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sun Oct 10, 2010 12:31 am | |
| post more (: Oh yeah, I haven't had much time to read many of your poems. I'll be getting to them after exams. Be prepared to see a lot of reviews!
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Thu Oct 14, 2010 7:19 am | |
| Broken
I saw a shattered window From a broken memory Of a broken hearted girl A soul I used to know
Why did she appear in my dreams? Is it a symbol? Or a terrifying symphony? Played personally for me as her shriek scares me so…
She’s an angel, beautiful beyond compare But her cry is torment, and her life’s despair God help her, for I can’t And I can’t pretend that I didn’t care… I would not be her failure But I don’t know how will it end Until then…
Past, present, future
My past is my walking shadow Stalking my every step A dangerous maneuver it played With each turn I take.
Yet the time had stopped, And I stayed present Because my past still seize control As I am longing to let go…
I’m afraid for my future, For it will be dim I know If I’m still frozen Reluctant to unleash what had been done
The need to forgive The need to embrace the fear The need to endure the suffering The need to free myself from past’s tormenting grip Until then, will there be a tomorrow?
Haha, no problemo.... | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Fri Oct 15, 2010 4:34 am | |
| A coerced Fool
I’m naked Emotions stripped bare for everyone to stare No secrets left hiding, no riddles to be solved And now I’m left to be a laughing stock
My tears are their accomplishment My cries are their entertainment My pain is their punishment My pleading is their amusement
Day and night tells no difference Because there’s only one presence Which I am sentenced To the perfect quintessence The embodiment of the night
Confined in a narrow space Quarantined in a filthy place Watched by their torturous gaze Their eyes full of craze
Now I’m counting the days To see their bodies set ablaze To know that they are a disgrace For contaminating my grace… | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Fri Oct 15, 2010 4:38 am | |
| My love (Eternity)
Surrounded by a red mist The aura of love wrapped around me As I see his face through the veil I knew I found my destiny
For eternity I searched for him But fate brought us be I know my live is his And his heart is mine to keep
As he secured his promise with a ring The deal is also sealed with a kiss And now he belongs to me For as long as we both shall live
The havoc outside the world The everlasting war between covenant on earth The cruelty of the human’s soul The brutality done by human’s hands
With his presence accompanying me I only reside peace within him All those terror and danger we face An incubus amongst the dreads He would chase away With just a smile on his face
I loved him dearly For he is my warrior, my boldness, My faith, my glory My everything I wished to be Now as I held his hands, we could face the world again. | |
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*~Dreamer~* Losing Two Friends
Join date : 2009-06-16 Location : somewhere behind a computer screen ><
Character sheet Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right) Age: 18/15 Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sat Oct 16, 2010 9:33 am | |
| AMAZING!!!! I love that totally -- I'm Naked
TOTALLY WONDERFUL POEM. Captivating.
I like the constant rhythm created by the rhyme for the first. I love imagery created for the second. And finally, I simply adore the facts you bring across.
By chance, this is a projection? If it is, know I'm praying for you, praying for a better day to come for you (:
The slant rhyme was really beautiful
days/ ablaze. I was never able to do that. Mine's either no rhyme, or exact rhyme (like that in your second stanza).
There isn't one I can pick out to say "This is my favorite'. SIMPLY AN AMAZING AND TOUCHING WRITE. (:
/tears/ | |
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*~Dreamer~* Losing Two Friends
Join date : 2009-06-16 Location : somewhere behind a computer screen ><
Character sheet Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right) Age: 18/15 Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sat Oct 16, 2010 9:38 am | |
| The tense of the last line for ' My love' is off.
'Now' should be accompanied by present tense. So it should be 'hold' not 'held', and 'can' not 'could' . (:
First stanza last line, you've missed out ' 've' -- 'I knew I've found my destiny'
Overall a nice read. Does that happen to be you? Because if it is, I congratulate you for your marriage, and may you be blessed for eternity, to live a blissful life (: | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:34 am | |
| Sorry for the late reply ;p I don't really reread my poems as well, and I sucked at tenses, LOL, so please forgive me carelessness I'm just 15 (going on 16 soon) XD, I got inspiration from a song and I think the words are beautiful... A coerced Fool -I was mad that day, so I just wrote whatever I felt like, so I can say it's a projection, haha. And I liked this one too, it's definitely perfectly reflected what I felt. | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:39 am | |
| Lazy Spectator
Here I stood in the midst of people Who go by their own business, Who went on their own routine Hastily wander through the time, as I only wade through the stagnant water.
Had anyone stopped and stare? That today might be the end? The time where you breathe your last breath.. See the last smile on their face?
Surely that never crossed our mind As we stay oblivion Yet the truth is present Will we cherish the moment we have left?
Time is ticking fast, but as I stood in the middle of the crowded street I know only of one truth I will slowly sip the coffee in my hands Hoping to fully taste the blasting flavors that I had…. | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:46 am | |
| Broken desperation
A shattered glass A shattered memory Of a shattered soul Lost beyond the mist Bits flew everywhere Laid anywhere A wide scope with no beginning, nor the end Where should we start? If there’s no head When should it be complete? If there’s no tail? Pieces of what is broken Delicate yet massive Spread around like a plague | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:18 am | |
| A twirling net of mind games
I felt as if I am mad A thin line separating what’s real and pretend A hallucination invented for myself To make bear what’s the reality of my act
Where trust is a gamble Where truth is a riddle Where mind games are frequent to be played…
When you believe what is real turns out to be surreal When you believe what is a lie turns out to be the fact How could you deal? With the tension that made your mind go snap?
What did I do? Was it murder? Fraud? Betrayal? What did I suffered? Such a great impact on my partial life. Whatever it was, it stroke a hit It had taken a toll on me.
As I hung between those blurred lines Believing my sanity Trusting my insanity I distinct myself from the real world Trapped in a timeless era When the world revolves around me. I remain unchanged. ~I think it's a bit blunt....'
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*~Dreamer~* Losing Two Friends
Join date : 2009-06-16 Location : somewhere behind a computer screen ><
Character sheet Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right) Age: 18/15 Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:32 pm | |
| I'm 15 too So cool ahha. So many people about my age on HON forums. I like the second better. It has more flow to it. and besides, there's one stanza i adore a lot. "Where trust is a gamble Where truth is a riddle Where mind games are frequent to be played…" But i'd also like to suggest an improvement: "a thin line separating what's real and pretend" erm... pretend isn't a very good word to use here. real --fake, real --illusion, real-- lies, real --fabrications, real --tales. We don't normally use pretend as it doesn't quite make sense in the context of real and fake. | |
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*~Dreamer~* Losing Two Friends
Join date : 2009-06-16 Location : somewhere behind a computer screen ><
Character sheet Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right) Age: 18/15 Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sat Nov 13, 2010 8:29 pm | |
| oh i'd like to add... how about 'where trust is a gamble/ when truth is a riddle/ and which mind games are frequently played...'? So that you don't repeatedly use 'where' to start your line. (ignore if you think it's okay because i'm repetition sensitive) | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sun Nov 14, 2010 5:34 am | |
| Thanks for the comments, I don't mind though, because I do need some advice on making my poems better, thanks for being a good reader:) And you're 15 too? Nice to meet you, haha.
I tend to make my poems a bit repetitive, I don't know exactly why, but I guess I just do...I'll keep them in mind next time:) | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:18 am | |
| Jaded conversation
The humming voice surrounded me Who was speaking? Who was shrieking? A battering image is all I had
Those voices I heard Wasn’t comforting but offending As they rattle off their heads I managed to keep a smile on my face
How long should I endure the pace? When each conversation was laced With fake embrace and perpetual debate About lives they yearned and craved.
Once I wanted to say That I was a fool to stay To linger in the play That I had no part to be incorporate
As my thoughts remain inaudible, I couldn’t deny that I craved, To have the center stage And the devotion that trailed…. | |
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*~Dreamer~* Losing Two Friends
Join date : 2009-06-16 Location : somewhere behind a computer screen ><
Character sheet Name: Dreamer (Left); Sky (Right) Age: 18/15 Affinity: Power Tapping and Invisibility (both)
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:23 am | |
| Well, you told the audience what you want to convey. Unfortunately, it was only a tell. I was hoping for it to be a show. Rather than retelling the event and speaking about your emotions, why not try to show how their actions have affected you?
'I wonder' aren't frequently used in poems because it's a tell phrase. It would be good if you could replace it with a line or two to express or show how you wondered. Instead of just telling the audience you wondered.
'weren't comforting but hurting'again, another tell line.
That was why this poem really did bring across the idea, but didn't express it to the reader. a bit disappointing, but keep writing!
I'm sure you'll come up with much better writes in the upcoming pieces! | |
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natshane High Priestess
Join date : 2010-06-11 Location : In a deep deep hole....
Character sheet Name: Adrianna Age: 16 Affinity: Hobby: Writing
| Subject: Re: Trying my luck at poems.... Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:27 am | |
| I don't really understand what;s a tell line and how to differentiate between actions and tell, could you please explain more? I'm sorry! | |
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| Trying my luck at poems.... | |
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