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 Trying my luck at poems....

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natshane
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PostSubject: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Jul 22, 2010 7:40 am

I've been writing poems for a while and posting it on other sites, but I would really like to share it with you guys:) So here's my first:)

Fear

My reflection wouldn’t leave me alone
Where I go she goes along
How could I abandon my shadow?
For it contains my deepest darkest sorrow…

Fear for my past she carries with her
As hard as I tried to forget I remember
Echoes of the past tormenting me still
Is there a cure for self-loathing..hate?

I wish for the sun to rise again
A New light signifying a new life
But all that’s left is just a new moon
All trace of bright dissolve into nothingness

Now I wander around the dark
Searching for a destination, a rational intention
With the heavy burden strapped tightly on my back
I walked through miles to get my hope back…..
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Sep 25, 2010 8:42 am

Mind if you post up the link to your other sites where you have your poems up? I'd like to check them out. I prefer reading more from the same writer/author/ poet before commenting on any of the writes. That way, I have a better idea of the style of the writer/author/ poem. Thanks a lot and sorry for the trouble (:
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Sep 30, 2010 7:24 am

http://www.wattpad.com/537835-braving-death
This is one of the poems I posted, I didn't really post them online frequently XD


http://gatlincounty.ning.com/group/shortstoriespoemsfanfics/forum/topics/who-am-i-poem
And this is one of the website where I posted my poems, some of them are in the comments, but I have a friend who shares her poems as well...
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sun Oct 03, 2010 4:58 am

Good that you've someone with the same interest.

Just wondering, how long have you been writing poems? And... Did you arrive at poetry after trying out other forms of art like novels/short stories and quotes? (It's okay if you find it personal and don't wish to answer it. I'm just curious)
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sun Oct 03, 2010 5:03 am

Also, do post more up. I'll review them when I'm back (:

Fear is a good piece of write. It describes the nature of fear, the effects of fear. All the imageries, the effects of the imageries (: I like!

I love the second stanza most. Resonates a sense of familiarity, a voice of understood but unheard truth.

'Is there a cure for self-loath' That was my favourite.

To me, you seem like an experienced poet (that was why I asked how long you've been writing poetry).
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Oct 09, 2010 6:36 am

Actually fear is one of my very first poems, I wrote poetry before I start writing stories, at first it was something from here and there, but there are some which I really connect to somehow. For you to say that I am an experienced poet, well that's flattering, haha. But still, sometimes I felt as if I'm blabbering a lot XD. I love wrting them because they express my feelings, I normally write them when I'm feeling emotional, and I guess that's my biggest inspiration Smile Are you a poet as well?? And I would definitely post more poems which I think is good:) Thank you for reviewing them!
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Oct 09, 2010 6:42 am

Fakeness

Life is hard yet living is harder
Dreams are sweet but reality is bitter
The world is deceitful and fraudulent
Living a life where genuine is not present

I’m masked, as a bubbly clown
Emotions are buried deep underground
A tomb for the loss of who I once am
For the incompetent part of me that’s not daring to withstand
The ferocious human nature of the world…

Jealousy, pride, power, on top of all lies…
I fear most the betrayal altogether
Save me from humanity I begged
Because it’s too good to be real, I said…


Well, what do you think of this poem?? It's kinda 'stuck' I would say, haha...
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Oct 09, 2010 7:01 am

Yup, My thread is the one titled 'forever forgotten thread' (well it has always been forgotten since when I started posting poems on any site, other than fictionpress).

This feels a little distorted, emotionally distorted to be more precise. The form is a little haywired, so are the pauses and break. It feels like the fear is instilled quite deep into you huh?

I like the second stanza most, especially for the tomb. I imagine the tombstone on a mountain XD so cool. I like!
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Oct 09, 2010 7:08 am

That is exactly how I feel about this poem, emotionally distorted! That's the problem with this one, haha. I love the tomb stanza too, and I was imagining an open space when I wrote this one, like there's only one tomb and not many. Haha!
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sun Oct 10, 2010 12:31 am

post more (: Oh yeah, I haven't had much time to read many of your poems. I'll be getting to them after exams. Be prepared to see a lot of reviews!

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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Thu Oct 14, 2010 7:19 am

Broken

I saw a shattered window
From a broken memory
Of a broken hearted girl
A soul I used to know

Why did she appear in my dreams?
Is it a symbol? Or a terrifying symphony?
Played personally for me as her shriek scares me so…

She’s an angel, beautiful beyond compare
But her cry is torment, and her life’s despair
God help her, for I can’t
And I can’t pretend that I didn’t care…
I would not be her failure
But I don’t know how will it end
Until then…

Past, present, future

My past is my walking shadow
Stalking my every step
A dangerous maneuver it played
With each turn I take.

Yet the time had stopped,
And I stayed present
Because my past still seize control
As I am longing to let go…

I’m afraid for my future,
For it will be dim I know
If I’m still frozen
Reluctant to unleash what had been done

The need to forgive
The need to embrace the fear
The need to endure the suffering
The need to free myself from past’s tormenting grip
Until then, will there be a tomorrow?

Haha, no problemo....
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Oct 15, 2010 4:34 am

A coerced Fool

I’m naked
Emotions stripped bare for everyone to stare
No secrets left hiding, no riddles to be solved
And now I’m left to be a laughing stock

My tears are their accomplishment
My cries are their entertainment
My pain is their punishment
My pleading is their amusement

Day and night tells no difference
Because there’s only one presence
Which I am sentenced
To the perfect quintessence
The embodiment of the night

Confined in a narrow space
Quarantined in a filthy place
Watched by their torturous gaze
Their eyes full of craze

Now I’m counting the days
To see their bodies set ablaze
To know that they are a disgrace
For contaminating my grace…
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Oct 15, 2010 4:38 am

My love (Eternity)

Surrounded by a red mist
The aura of love wrapped around me
As I see his face through the veil
I knew I found my destiny

For eternity I searched for him
But fate brought us be
I know my live is his
And his heart is mine to keep

As he secured his promise with a ring
The deal is also sealed with a kiss
And now he belongs to me
For as long as we both shall live

The havoc outside the world
The everlasting war between covenant on earth
The cruelty of the human’s soul
The brutality done by human’s hands

With his presence accompanying me
I only reside peace within him
All those terror and danger we face
An incubus amongst the dreads
He would chase away
With just a smile on his face

I loved him dearly
For he is my warrior, my boldness,
My faith, my glory
My everything I wished to be
Now as I held his hands, we could face the world again.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Oct 16, 2010 9:33 am

AMAZING!!!! I love that totally -- I'm Naked

TOTALLY WONDERFUL POEM. Captivating.

I like the constant rhythm created by the rhyme for the first. I love imagery created for the second. And finally, I simply adore the facts you bring across.

By chance, this is a projection? If it is, know I'm praying for you, praying for a better day to come for you (:

The slant rhyme was really beautiful

days/ ablaze. I was never able to do that. Mine's either no rhyme, or exact rhyme (like that in your second stanza).

There isn't one I can pick out to say "This is my favorite'. SIMPLY AN AMAZING AND TOUCHING WRITE. (:

/tears/
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Oct 16, 2010 9:38 am

The tense of the last line for ' My love' is off.

'Now' should be accompanied by present tense. So it should be 'hold' not 'held', and 'can' not 'could' . (:

First stanza last line, you've missed out ' 've' -- 'I knew I've found my destiny'

Overall a nice read. Does that happen to be you? Because if it is, I congratulate you for your marriage, and may you be blessed for eternity, to live a blissful life (:
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:34 am

Sorry for the late reply ;p
I don't really reread my poems as well, and I sucked at tenses, LOL, so please forgive me carelessness Smile
I'm just 15 (going on 16 soon) XD, I got inspiration from a song and I think the words are beautiful...

A coerced Fool
-I was mad that day, so I just wrote whatever I felt like, so I can say it's a projection, haha. And I liked this one too, it's definitely perfectly reflected what I felt.

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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:39 am

Lazy Spectator

Here I stood in the midst of people
Who go by their own business,
Who went on their own routine
Hastily wander through the time,
as I only wade through the stagnant water.

Had anyone stopped and stare?
That today might be the end?
The time where you breathe your last breath..
See the last smile on their face?

Surely that never crossed our mind
As we stay oblivion
Yet the truth is present
Will we cherish the moment we have left?

Time is ticking fast, but as I stood in the middle of the crowded street
I know only of one truth
I will slowly sip the coffee in my hands
Hoping to fully taste the blasting flavors that I had….
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:46 am

Broken desperation

A shattered glass
A shattered memory
Of a shattered soul
Lost beyond the mist
Bits flew everywhere
Laid anywhere
A wide scope with no beginning, nor the end
Where should we start? If there’s no head
When should it be complete? If there’s no tail?
Pieces of what is broken
Delicate yet massive
Spread around like a plague
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:18 am

A twirling net of mind games

I felt as if I am mad
A thin line separating what’s real and pretend
A hallucination invented for myself
To make bear what’s the reality of my act

Where trust is a gamble
Where truth is a riddle
Where mind games are frequent to be played…

When you believe what is real turns out to be surreal
When you believe what is a lie turns out to be the fact
How could you deal? With the tension that made your mind go snap?

What did I do? Was it murder? Fraud? Betrayal?
What did I suffered? Such a great impact on my partial life.
Whatever it was, it stroke a hit
It had taken a toll on me.

As I hung between those blurred lines
Believing my sanity
Trusting my insanity
I distinct myself from the real world
Trapped in a timeless era
When the world revolves around me.
I remain unchanged.

~I think it's a bit blunt....'

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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:32 pm

I'm 15 too Very Happy So cool ahha. So many people about my age on HON forums.

I like the second better. It has more flow to it. and besides, there's one stanza i adore a lot.

"Where trust is a gamble
Where truth is a riddle
Where mind games are frequent to be played…"

But i'd also like to suggest an improvement:
"a thin line separating what's real and pretend"

erm... pretend isn't a very good word to use here. real --fake, real --illusion, real-- lies, real --fabrications, real --tales. We don't normally use pretend as it doesn't quite make sense in the context of real and fake.
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sat Nov 13, 2010 8:29 pm

oh i'd like to add... how about 'where trust is a gamble/ when truth is a riddle/ and which mind games are frequently played...'? So that you don't repeatedly use 'where' to start your line. (ignore if you think it's okay because i'm repetition sensitive)
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sun Nov 14, 2010 5:34 am

Thanks for the comments, I don't mind though, because I do need some advice on making my poems better, thanks for being a good reader:) And you're 15 too? Nice to meet you, haha.

I tend to make my poems a bit repetitive, I don't know exactly why, but I guess I just do...I'll keep them in mind next time:)
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:18 am

Jaded conversation

The humming voice surrounded me
Who was speaking?
Who was shrieking?
A battering image is all I had

Those voices I heard
Wasn’t comforting but offending
As they rattle off their heads
I managed to keep a smile on my face

How long should I endure the pace?
When each conversation was laced
With fake embrace and perpetual debate
About lives they yearned and craved.

Once I wanted to say
That I was a fool to stay
To linger in the play
That I had no part to be incorporate

As my thoughts remain inaudible,
I couldn’t deny that I craved,
To have the center stage
And the devotion that trailed….
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:23 am

Well, you told the audience what you want to convey. Unfortunately, it was only a tell. I was hoping for it to be a show. Rather than retelling the event and speaking about your emotions, why not try to show how their actions have affected you?

'I wonder' aren't frequently used in poems because it's a tell phrase. It would be good if you could replace it with a line or two to express or show how you wondered. Instead of just telling the audience you wondered.

'weren't comforting but hurting'again, another tell line.

That was why this poem really did bring across the idea, but didn't express it to the reader. a bit disappointing, but keep writing!

I'm sure you'll come up with much better writes in the upcoming pieces!
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natshane
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PostSubject: Re: Trying my luck at poems....   Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:27 am

I don't really understand what;s a tell line and how to differentiate between actions and tell, could you please explain more? I'm sorry! Smile
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